I was discussing the letter that Donald Trump is reported to have sent to Martha Stewart with my good friend and renowned psychic Madame Putwonovaonya. She told me that part of her gift is the ability to read "between the lines", in other words she knows what someone was really thinking while they were writing. Here is her analysis of Trump’s letter:
Dearest passion flower:
It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of "The Apprentice".
You know that you and you alone are the cause of this passion that burns in me with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success.
How can you act so indifferently to the love of this most manly of men. In this concrete jungle I am Tarzan, come be my Jane and swing on my vine.
I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it –- and your low ratings bore me out.
From the moment we met I tried to resist your Amazonian charms. I did this for the sake of my absurdly young wife whose name I can neither pronounce nor spell, but I knew it was hopeless.
Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance –- much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records.
Why have I never received a hand written letter from you? I have seen the letters you have sent to others and just the sight of your elegant and curvy lettering makes me tingle all over. Curse my fetish for women with good penmanship!
Despite this, I did nothing but positively promote you. Your only response to your failed show was that, "I thought that I was supposed to fire Donald Trump!" You knew this was not true – NBC would never fire me when The Apprentice was, for a good period of time, the #1 show on television and my recent finale, where I hired Randal, was the #2 show for the week, easily beating the competing finale of Amazing Race and others. Even Mark Burnett said, "Thank God that didn't happen," when asked about firing Donald Trump.
Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is – that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody – especially NBC.
In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.
Nevertheless, as you go about referring to me as just a friend, I continue to worship you from afar. At night I call on Cupid and offer him everything: my real-estate holdings, my casinos and even the secret to my miracle comb-over, if the little diaper wearing freak would just aim one of his arrows at your heart and fill it with an all consuming love for The Donald.
Donald J. Trump
P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have!"
Neglect me no longer my queen, or I just might end up hanging myself with one of my very expensive, imported silk ties.