Friday, February 03, 2006

By any other name...

While the topic of celebrities having children is usually a matter of complete indifference to me, there is one thing that can force me to waste valuable moments and ever diminishing brain cells thinking about it.I am referring of course, to the child’s name.

We are all familiar with the unfortunate tendency among some celebrities to get "creative" and give the child a name that will express its "individuality". Why the hell these people don’t give their kid a regular name and then introduce the child to art, literature and music, is a mystery to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do believe in minding one’s own business, but some of the names these kids were given make it difficult: Calico, Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie, Elijah Blue, Prima Sellicchia, Scout, Zephyr, Banjo, Karac, Dusti Rain, Sage MoonBlood, Scargcogh, Moon Unit, Apple?

I suppose if these kids all go into show business it might not be that big a deal, but what if they want to become politicians or judges? President Trixibelle? The honorable Judge Unit? I just don’t think so. I guess a law could be passed against this practice, but I don’t think we really want to put people in jail over this, so maybe any celebrity that wants to give their child a "unique" name should be required to put aside a large sum of money. This would be used to pay for any therapy the kid might eventually need.

Conversely, since this phenomenon seems to dramatically increase when one celebrity marries another, a kind of ‘marriage’ tax could be imposed to encourage them to marry people not in show business. If all else should fail we could always resort to a top secret sterility squad.

Hey, it’s worth a shot…I mean it’s just a few short years before Dakota Fanning starts having kids.

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