My life's story...sort of...

Today I am pleased to present excerpts from my recently finished memoir entitled "Pants On Fire".
For years I put off writing this book because of my dull and uneventful life, but then I was inspired by the story of James Frey, you know that guy who pissed off Oprah by lying in his memoir. Well, if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me:

CHAPTER 1
I was born to religious fanatics. My parents made Pat Robertson look like Ozzy Osbourne. Wanting to start my religious training early my mother would often act out stories from the bible with me filling in where ever a baby was needed. So, one day she decides to reenact the story of the infant Moses being put into a basket and set afloat on the Nile River. However, as there was no river nearby and my mother was as lazy as she was pious, she settled for a drainage ditch near our house. Much to her surprise the shallow water started carrying me away quicker than her three hundred pound frame could keep up with and soon I was out of sight. I eventually wound up at the sewage treatment plant where I was adopted as a sort of mascot until I was old enough to start school…

CHAPTER 2
What can I say about my school days? They seem a blur of drugs, alcohol, knife fights in the boy’s room, clandestine encounters with a lonely, spinsterish English teacher and a four month long coma resulting from a near fatal bullet wound. The next thing I knew, it was time to start the second grade…

CHAPTER 3
Eventually, school came to an end and I began to look for work. A friend of mine helped me get a job polishing brass knuckles for the mob and I quickly worked my way up to money laundering. Unfortunately, "laundering" money has nothing to do with bleach or detergents of any kind. So, after I got out of the hospital, it was time to find another job…

CHAPTER 4
Being blessed with extraordinarily beautiful feet I became a foot model for a German sandal manufacturer, which somehow led to me starring in a series of French existential porno films. They are just like regular porno films, except that everyone is smoking cigarettes and mumbling about how pointless all this boinking is…

CHAPTER 5
A few years after that I moved back to the United States and married the first of my three wives. Jane was an extremely nearsighted radical environmentalist, who unfortunately decided to go skinny-dipping in Yellowstone National Park's, "Old Faithful"…

My second wife Miriam, the seventy-two year old owner of the Golden Acres Nudist Retirement Village, was as passionate as she was wrinkled…

Finally, Holly my third wife, was runner up in the Miss America Pageant. She is now serving time for attempting to strangle the woman who won with her own sash. Baby, you know I’ll wait for you…

Those are just a few of the highlights in my book. I expect to hear from Hollywood soon, but I will probably avoid the Oprah show…just to be safe.