Here come da Prez...

It’s no secret that men have dominated the presidency and vice-presidency since the beginning, and despite all the lip service being paid to equality, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. So I have come up with a plan to encourage both the Democrats and Republicans to level the playing field and make sure there’s always at least one female candidate. (I would’ve included any and all other political parties, but come on, who are we kidding?)

In any election year that these bozos fail to include a woman, the normal election process would be scrapped and my alternate plan would be put into effect. The candidate with the most points after completing all five events would then be president. Here’s what they’d have to do:

1.The checkered past marathon: It’s well known that candidates will go to almost any length to hide the skeletons in their closets. This event will turn all that around by rewarding complete disclosure. The worse they’ve been, the better they’ll do! Here are the point values:

Felonies: 200
Misdemeanors: 175
Racist or sexist remarks: 100
Extramarital affairs: 50

2. The salute to Darwin: The candidates will be locked in an enclosure with a large troop of baboons. The first one to kill the alpha male and mate with the dominant female wins, and in case you were wondering, no, none of the baboons is eligible for the presidency. Point value: 100

3.The dwarf toss: This controversial activity will gain new found respectability when it’s used to help select the nation’s leader. The candidates will be judged on distance and accuracy. In exchange for his participation the dwarf will be given a spot in the president’s cabinet…or at least on the nightstand in the Lincoln bedroom. Point value: 75

4.The pit: Drop the keys to the White House into the La Brea tar pits. The candidate who finds them and manages to get out of the pits is the winner. If no one survives just bring on the next group of presidential hopefuls. Point value: 200

5.The most well endowed: May as well break out the tape measure, since this is something most men care more about than foreign policy or balanced budgets anyway. This event ought to separate the men from the boys. Point value: 200

If this plan accomplishes nothing else, it ought to at least provide us with some really entertaining television viewing.