Saturday, February 18, 2006

We put the 'fun' back in funeral...

Funerals are a somber business and of course many people will tell you that they should be, but there do seem to be exceptions. Take for example the Irish wake or the jazz funerals in New Orleans.

I for one applaud a more positive approach to our inevitable demise and I’m considering opening my own funeral parlor. Here are a few of the services that we might offer:

Three Coffin Monte: kind of like the card game except that the deceased is placed in one of three identical coffins that are then quickly shuffled around. Pick the one with the body in it and the funeral is on the house.

If the dead person (or if you’re a stickler for political correctness, the "living impaired" person) was the outdoorsy type, then give them one last adventure by taking them white water rafting in one of our kayak style caskets. They’re watertight and guaranteed to stand up to (almost) any rock.

We will also offer alternatives to traditional burial or cremation:
The Egyptians had mummification but we’ve got lamination, that’s right instead of an urn with a handful of ashes, imagine your loved one with you always thanks to a coating of shiny and durable plastic.

For those of you with no desire to keep any part of the dearly departed with you, I recommend the "Boom Box". The deceased in place in a crate packed with half a ton of TNT, which is then detonated from a safe distance. I predict this will be a big seller around the fourth of July.

If it all goes well, someday I might be able to open up a cemetery/miniature golf course. Now, there’s fun for the whole family.

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