Shakespeare once wrote that the ‘fault lies not in the stars, but in ourselves.’ Despite this sage advice many people still believe in astrology. For the benefit of these individuals (I can’t help it, I’m a giver) here are today’s horoscopes:
ARIES: Today is not the day to reign in your impulsive nature. Barge in when your boss is in a meeting and demand a raise, he’ll admire your gumption. Tell your spouse you’ve always hated your in-laws and from now on they’ll only be allowed to visit when you say so and tell those bratty kids if they don’t straighten up there’s an orphanage with their name on it.
TAURUS: This is not your day! Uranus is out of alignment and that’s never good. Unplug the phone, turn off the TV, stay in bed and pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist. If your characteristic stubbornness leads you to go about your daily routine anyway, at least make sure your will is in good order.
GEMINI: Financially speaking you are on fire today, money will be practically forcing itself into your wallet. The stock market, casinos, the lottery, three card monty or Russian roulette, bet the house baby because you can’t lose!
CANCER: Venus is in retrograde…or is it Gatorade? Either way it’s good news for you because love is in the air. So grab your spouse, companion, stalker, blowup doll or vibrator and let them know how much they mean to you.
LEO: With the lion like boldness associated with your sign today is a good day to start your travel plans. Start with Europe and then head for the Middle East, but make sure you pack as much red, white and blue clothing as you can and be sure to start chanting ‘USA…USA’ whenever you’re in a large crowd…people there just love that.
VIRGO: It is time for you to start putting your health first for a change. So, go ahead and make an appointment for that seaweed enema that you’ve been putting off and you might want to try the new squid and grapefruit diet that I’m predicting will soon be very trendy.
LIBRA: Unleash your creativity today. It’s time to write that big autobiographical novel you’ve been thinking about. Make sure you remember to use real names and addresses’ when writing about your annoying neighbors, incompetent co-workers and repulsive family members…it adds authenticity.
SCORPIO: Old friends seem to come out of the woodworks seeking your help. Refuse them nothing, no matter what it is…letting them move in for a while, co-signing for a loan or donating a kidney. Remember, the stars are watching.
SAGITTARIUS: Even though you’ve never had much luck with pets…you never had a hamster or goldfish live longer than a week and no matter what the psychiatrist says you’re convinced your dog committed suicide, now is a good time to turn that around. Get yourself some cats…lots of cats. Remember you just can’t have too many cats.
CAPRICORN: Your natural psychic abilities will grow stronger as the day goes on…but you probably knew that already. Gather together any other Capricorns that you know into a group and focus your mental energies together…and see if you can find out where the hell I left my keys.
AQUARIUS: Ironically for the sign of the Water Bearer, today water is your enemy. Do NOT try to fix your plumbing, go swimming, dance in the rain, bathe, date a lifeguard or raise the Titanic.
PISCES: Last but not least, you are steadfast, loyal and good with children…no wait, that’s a Golden Retriever. Well, that’s all the time I have today my fellow stargazers, join me again when I hope to be able to explain the cosmic meaning of those mysterious numbers on your credit cards.