Friday, June 30, 2006

The genius of Leonardo...

It would seem that my good friend, the eminent scholar Monty Dingham Smythington, has had a stroke of good luck recently. He tells me that he was hired by Bill Gates to research and translate a notebook of Leonardo da Vinci that Gates purchased for 30 million dollars in 1994. According to Monty it contains a large number of ideas for inventions that once again show how very far ahead of his time Leonardo was. Here are just a few that Monty mentioned in his letter:

An automated lice picking machine.

A steam powered escalator.

The pocket fisherman.


Edible underwear.


The Chia pet.

Nose hair trimmers.

Inflatable love dolls (gender unspecified)

The Mood Ring.

A foolproof “gaydar” machine (which Monty says was better left unfinished, as it probably would have exploded in 15th century Florence).

To be honest with you… I think that either Bill Gates really got ripped off or my old friend has started drinking again.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Welcome to poetry corner...

I was going to enthrall you with a three thousand line epic poem of mine that was inspired by that miracle of nature known as photosynthesis. Sadly, I can’t seem to find it, so instead here are some limericks inspired by low budget horror films:

There was a werewolf named Lee
A murderous beast was he
Your flesh he would shred
Until you were dead
Then on your leg he would pee

There once was a mummy named Betty
Who was late with her husband’s spaghetti
He began to smack her
Then used a weed whacker
Now she’s a big pile of confetti

There was a zombie from France
Who truly did love to dance
One night as he twirled
His intestines unfurled
And soiled his best pair of pants

There once was a man called Jack
A proud necrophiliac
The girls he preferred
Were always interred
Though the digging was hard on his back

There once was a doctor so smart
A monster he built à la carte
But you could tell by one glance
At it’s tight fitting pants
The Doc had forgotten one part

A vampire with a bad attitude
Flew off in a terrible mood
To the Arctic he did go
Where he dined on Eskimo
Only to find he didn’t like frozen food

Well, I’ve got to go…that lost epic isn’t going to
rewrite itself.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

America's Most Wanted Kiddies...

It was reported in the news last week that the officials of a New York City public school called the police on a six- year old boy, who they said had "thrown a tantrum and kicked a vice-principal". Previous to this incident the police had been called in because of a five-year old boy who allegedly "bit a teacher’s ankle".

We here at the Drive-by Blogger (and by we I mean me) say kudos to the strong leadership shown by these brave school officials in dealing with these pint-sized menaces to society. For too long these diminutive delinquents have run roughshod over the public school system. So, as a service to the Board of Education, I’m posting their top ten most wanted list…

1. Bill Weston, age 5: charged with carrying a concealed water pistol and inciting others to run with scissors.

2. Scott Jansen, age 5: charged with starting food fights and mooning the other children during show and tell.

3. Suzy Pollan, age 6: charged with attempting to blackmail her teacher with the "funny pictures" of her and the janitor the girl found while rifling her teachers desk.

4. Timmy Dugan, age 5, a.k.a. "The Wedgie Kid": charged with inflicting willful damage to other people’s underwear.

5. Robert Vega, age 6: charged with waging a vicious spitball campaign against a semi-retired (and completely clueless) substitute teacher.

6. Mary Sheldon, age 6: charged with extorting money from other children by threatening to sneeze on their lunches.

7. Ricky Smith, age 5: charged with attempting to kill the class’s pet hamster by feeding it his grandfather’s high blood pressure medicine.

8. Luke Fontana, age 5: charged with distributing pirated copies of Barney and Dora the Explorer.

9. Fred Wilson, age 5: charged with deliberately disorganizing the supply closet, also suspected of eating paste.

10. Rachel Tratsky, age 5: charged with flushing one hall pass, three erasers and her teacher’s keys down the toilet.

As John Walsh might say… "Come on America, let’s bring these low-lifes to justice!"

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Questions, questions, questions...

During my last stay at my favorite mental health facility, I managed to slip one arm out of my straitjacket and with a crayon I had secreted upon my person, I wrote down a few of the deep questions that were on my mind at the time…

If so many people are ready to believe that Jesus was married and may have modern day descendants, how come these same people aren’t at all worried about Satan’s potential progeny? I mean if Jesus fathered a child isn’t more than likely that Satan put a few "buns in the oven" in his time?

Does anyone else out there believe that movie studio executives are using a "Magic 8 Ball" to decide what films to make?

Why is it that a baseball player can face a 90 mile an hour fast ball while 50 thousand fans are screaming their heads off, but a golfer who hears the click of a single camera looks at the offending photographer as though he has just strangled a kitten?

Is there any practical reason why the lid on the tank of my toilet weighs almost as the lid of King Tut’s sarcophagus?

Did no one in the opera world ever see the irony of Luciano Pavarotti playing the role of a "starving" poet in "La Boheme"?

How is it that in a world where people constantly complain about the large number of television commercials that they’re forced to endure, QVC (which is basically commercials without programming) can be so successful?

Does anyone really believe that the conductor of a symphony orchestra is anything but a glorified timekeeper?

I did have more questions, but it was at this point that my crayon broke.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Bill, we hardly knew ye...

As you may already know, Bill Gates has announced that he’s stepping down as the head of Microsoft to concentrate on his charity foundation. As noble as that may be, you know that a real "go getter" like Bill Gates is going to be busy with other things as well…things like:

Trying to talk Oprah, Donald Trump and George Lucas into doing an all billionaire version of "The Surreal Life".

Perfecting that 3D pornographic software he’s been promising himself.

Catching up on thirty years worth of "Field and Stream" magazines he hasn’t had the time to read.

Bribing as many officials as it takes to get legislation passed that will change the caption on all US currency to read "In Nerds We Trust".

Finding a way to permanently alter the human genome and rid the world of jocks once and for all.

Conducting exhaustive research on the bible to prove that his name is mentioned in there…somewhere.

Using GPS technology and a team of professional explorers to map the gigantic 125 million-dollar house he lives in.

Seriously Bill, if you find yourself having trouble burning through all that money…I’m here to help.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Who let the dogs out...

Some new dog breeds seem to be gaining popularity these days, breeds like the "puggle," a cross between a beagle and a pug, or the "labradoodle", a Labrador Retriever-Poodle mix. Now that’s all good and well, (provided you can ignore the obnoxiously cute names) but dogs should be bred for a particular use. So, with that in mind and not being a person who ever lets a bandwagon go by without jumping on it I present to you some unusual breed mixes and the useful traits they’ll possess…

Jack Russell Terrier and Yorkshire Terrier: a tireless, self-propelled feather duster…beloved by lazy housekeepers everywhere.

German Shepherd and French Poodle: will instinctively invade it’s own back yard and then immediately surrender.

Great Dane and Golden Retriever: forget duck hunting…with this dog you can go after the endangered (but oh so tasty) California condor.

Siberian Husky and Pug: sure to become the favorite sled dog of tiny Eskimos.

Pomeranian and Rottweiler: pocket sized protection from the world’s fiercest lap dog…think of it as the canine equivalent of mace.

Mastiff and Dachshund: forget buying a pony, this dog can seat your spoiled kid and five or six of his or her bratty friends to as well.

Maybe some day we can do something like this for cats. Of course, that’s assuming anyone ever discovers a breed of cat that does anything other than eat and sleep.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

This just in...

The first reports on the death of terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi seemed to suggest that he had been found dead in the rubble after the air strike. Then reports came that he had actually lived just long enough to be put on a stretcher and mumble a few last words. Now, there’s a report that he managed to hang on for nearly an hour.

I find this trend fascinating and wonder just how far it will go. I personally wouldn’t be surprised to eventually read a news story that reveals:

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi not only survived his injuries, but also tried to convince American and Iraqi forces that he was in fact comedic actor Dom Deluise, but was tripped up when he couldn’t answer questions about the movie "Cannonball Run 2".

Later, he managed to roll off the stretcher and tried to escape by putting on a burka and claiming he was Zarqawi’s housekeeper. Unfortunately for Zarqawi, an Iraqi soldier mistook him for his wife and beat him to death for being out of the house without permission.

The End???

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Up, up and away...

The X-Men, a new Superman movie…once again it seems that Hollywood is turning to super heroes for help at the box office. However, not every super hero is good enough to make it to the big screen…here are a few that didn’t make the cut:

The Human Puddle: can transform himself into a small pool of water at will. After his battle against the evil Dr. Mop he was never seen again.

Captain Cloaca: battles super villains by controlling the contents of the world’s sewers…though most people he tries to rescue would prefer that he didn’t.

Slo-Mo Man: his only super power is the ability to move ten times slower than any living thing on earth…he was voted world’s worst super hero three years in a row.

The Iron Evangelist & Bible Boy: this devout duo is constantly battling with an evil organization bent on world domination…the dreaded Worldwide Association of Naughty Gays, better known as W.A.N.G.

Giggle Girl: her super sonic and condescending laughter renders even the most determined super villains unable to explain their absurdly complicated evil plans.

The Flabinator: a champion bodybuilder until he was bitten by a radioactive hippo, he now uses his gargantuan, gelatinous bulk to flatten evil doers.

You’ve got to admit it’s hard to see any great merchandising deals coming out of that bunch.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Pardon my rant...

I would like to say something to who ever is responsible for publishing the countless "helpful" medical reports that tell us what is and is not healthy for us…DON’T BOTHER!

Really, I mean what’s the point in trying to keep up with this stuff if every week brings a new report that contradicts some other medical report published three months ago.

Take egg yolks for example, for a while the consumption of egg yolks was considered only slightly less harmful to your health than sucking on the cooling rods from a nuclear power plant…and now they’re O.K.?

And there have been similar reversals regarding coffee and alcohol, but for me the straw that broke the camel’s back (guess he didn’t read the reports about osteoporosis) was this story about the dangers of not getting enough sunlight.

That’s right, the sun…you remember the sun don’t you…that big, bright burning thing in the sky? You weren’t supposed to go outdoors without slathering sunscreen on any part of your body that might be exposed to that malevolent ball of gas for any length of time…even if it was cloudy!

But now they’re tell us that too many people may not be getting enough sunlight! Well, I don’t know about you but I’ve had enough of these endless examples of pseudo-scientific waffling. I am going to get a jar of leeches and just hope that they're good for what ever ails me.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Let's hear it for the Bard...

Monty Dingham Smythington, a scholarly acquaintance of mine, recently made a remarkable discovery. In a very old library he came across an original manuscript of unfinished and until now, unknown poems by William Shakespeare. The most interesting thing about these poems is that in them Shakespeare tackles some unusual subject matter…

Like this one about hair loss:

Oh, luxuriant tresses of my youth
Thy premature departure cuts me to the quick
Where verily did stand a thicket of auburn locks
Can now be seen naught but a scalp shiny and slick

Cruel fate doth make merriment of my tears
And grants me hair anew not on my head
But in my bloody ears…

Or this one about impotence:

Zounds! What fresh misery is this?
The shaft of Eros hangs in limp despair
Some witch must hath cast a vile spell
For never has this happened, verily I swear…

And this one about constipation:

My physician doth compare me to a river dammed
And claims his potions will grant my innards ease
But I must also drink copious amounts of water anon
And for god sake, stop eating so much cheese

Ah, they just don’t write em’ like that anymore.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Back with a little jailhouse gossip...

On a tip from an elderly inmate the FBI recently spent two weeks digging at a farm in Michigan looking for Jimmy Hoffa. For those of you too young to remember, Hoffa was a union leader who disappeared in 1975 and is believed by most people to have been killed by the mob.

One estimate puts the cost of this little "excursion" at about $250,000. All because of something said by an elderly prison inmate, but hey, if you can’t trust an old jailbird whom can you trust? So, I decided to delve deeper into the gold mine of knowledge possessed by the old geezer segment of the prison population and this is what they had to say…

That was not the real John Dillinger that the authorities killed in 1934. Dillinger quietly retired from his life of crime and used his ill-gotten gains to pursue his life long dream of opening an ice cream parlor in Bayonne New Jersey.

The Hindenburg disaster was no accident. The zeppelin was actually blown up by an escaped mental patient, who as a child had seen his father (an overly ambitious purveyor of helium filled balloons) overload himself with his merchandise one windy day, rise high into the air never to be seen again. The lunatic was eventually returned to the asylum after he was caught at the Thanksgiving Day parade trying to puncture one of the floats with his teeth.

Apparently, famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart was a man. A shocking revelation to most people, but no one was more shocked that the old inmate who told me that he found out one boozy night in 1932 that the "cockpit" of Amelia’s plane was more aptly named then he could have imagined.

One of the oldest inmates, a man nicknamed "Lumpy" due to the countless blows on the head he has received during his decades in prison, claimed that the Great Train Robbery never really happened. He went on to say " I mean, even if you could steal a whole train, what are you gonna do with it?"

I think I’ll file that one under dubious. Anyway, I’m off to see if I can get the FBI to look into any of these or at least give me the money and let me look into it for them. Hey, anything for justice.