Stop The Presses...

It seems to me that writing for one of those tabloid newspapers might be a fun job. Not the ones with all the gossip and photos of celebrities, but the ones that have stories like JFK is still alive and running a Bed and Breakfast in Guam. So, in the unlikely event that an editor from one of them is reading this, here are a few examples of the kind of stories you’d get if you hired me:

Psychic talks to dead presidents: World renowned medium Ima Putwonovaonya says that she’s most recently been in contact with the ghost of George Washington and apparently he’s very upset about all the lies regarding his dentures. Putwonovaonya quotes George as saying: "Enough with the teeth already! They weren’t made of wood. They were made of porcelain, you got that…porcelain!"

Big Foot found Dead: Scientists confirmed a rug in the backwoods cabin of Billy Joe Phister is indeed the hide of the legendary Big Foot. "I just thought it was a funny lookin’ bear when I shot it. I didn’t know nothin’ about no Big Foot. I ain’t got no TV and I don’t read much" said Billy Joe.

Hail to the King: A fanatical group of Elvis impersonators has bought a remote South Sea island and have founded the Republic of Elvisonia. When reached for a comment a spokesman for the newly formed nation would only say, "thank you, thank you very much."

Throw out your cookbooks: A man in Ohio claims to have discovered an amazing new diet. According to Sid Mandrill you can eat almost anything, but it has to be alive: "Fish and chicken are no problem, but beef is a little harder."

Speaking of ET’s finger: A secret government file that was leaked to the press indicates that the aliens who’ve have been abducting and probing earthlings for decades may be a group of rogue inter-galactic proctologists demonstrating their support of universal healthcare.

So…what do you say? Do I get the job?