Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Have ya ever noticed...

So at this point you’re probably asking yourself "Is that all you’re going to use this blog for? To complain and offer ridiculous suggestions?" To which I can only reply…yeah, that sounds about right. Although, I do hope to occasionally make ridiculous observations as well, like the following…

Human beings have a strange relationship with animals. On the one hand they are our pets, beloved family members. On the other hand they are food. Not the same ones of course, we have a rigid though arbitrary system to tell us, which is which. To any dog or cats that might be reading this you can breathe easy, you are and will probably always be (at least in this country) on the do not eat list.

It’s a little trickier for birds; some are on the list some aren’t. If you’re a canary or a parrot you’re probably safe, but if you’re a turkey or a chicken…now you’ve got a problem. Not that there aren’t people who have chickens for pets, there are, you just have to watch your neighbors a little more closely.

Which brings us to the really strange part of this animal business. It is perfectly legal to behead, pluck, disembowel, cook and consume a chicken, but it is illegal to make love to that same chicken. Even if it’s of legal age…whatever that might be for a chicken.

" Well, that makes perfect sense", I hear you say. "Who the hell the hell wants to make love to a chicken?" I agree, although I’m fairly certain that there’s a website somewhere devoted to that very topic. Just imagine however, that you could give to a chicken the same kind of conscious self-awareness that humans have. Then tell the chicken it has a choice: to go with the man in the apron to be beheaded, cooked and consumed or go with the man in the bathrobe who’s going to have sex with you but let you live. I guarantee you that chicken will light a few scented candles and put on a Barry White record so fast your head would spin.

Of course there are some animals that we don’t want anything to with at all. They’re neither friend nor food; they are parasites. Once in a documentary about the different kinds of parasites a man told a story that I will never forget (try as I might). According to this man he was in the bathroom, answering nature’s call, when he noticed what could only be a worm protruding from his rear end.

How far out this worm had to be extended for him to be able to see it, I can’t say, but that’s not the most amazing part of the story. He then says he called his wife in to the bathroom to have a look at this worm, which she does and then goes on to cut off with a scissors the part of the worm that’s visible. Then of course it’s off to the doctor to get rid of the rest of it.

My question is this: how long do you have to be married before you get to be this blasé? Him for asking and her for looking and then actually helping instead of running out of there screaming. They probably don’t give medals for things like that, but she sure as hell deserved one.

No comments: