Monday, January 02, 2006

In The Beginning...

I don’t really know why I’ve decided to add to the ever-increasing number of blogs. There certainly isn’t any need for it and I may not be any good at it, but that’s never stopped me before. How regular this blog will be I’ve no idea, my posting will probably be as random as my subject matter. So with that rousing statement acting as an introduction, lets start with the plague that is reality television.

Oh, how I envy those lucky people in biblical times with their plagues of locusts, frogs and crudely made sandals that offered no arch support. I’m sure that eventually the frogs ate the locusts and improvements in footwear, along with a little energetic stomping, took care of the frog problem. Unfortunately for us, however, there seems to be no such easy solution to reality TV.

So in the spirit of that grand old defeatist tradition ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ I am ready to wave the white flag and surrender…provided some changes are made. First, any show that takes place on an island and has the word survivor in its title damn well better involve actual survival. No silly competitions, no immunity and no food except whatever they can catch and kill. I myself would have that include the other castaways but I’m willing to compromise.

Secondly, I want a law passed banning the use of has-been ‘celebrities’ in any reality show regardless of its premise. It used to be when a celebrity passed into has-been status they would fade from view, leaving us to occasionally wonder what ever happened to them. Now, they’re harder to get rid of than Dracula himself. So, whether they’re sharing a house, dancing or arm wrestling for the last rice cake on some fat farm, they’ve all got to go. Then again, in the spirit of compromise, I’m willing to consider ‘Celebrity Autopsy’. (Just to be clear, they would be the subjects of the autopsies, not the ones conducting them).

And finally, the networks and producers of these shows will all have to contribute money to an organization that I have started to find a cure for reality television. All donations are to be sent to our main office, which is, located in Bermuda…for, uh…tax purposes.

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