Tuesday, January 10, 2006

On your mark, Get set, Eat...

Every summer, a group of people (mostly men) get together for a hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. Some of these people (again, mostly the men) are so large they may qualify for the own personal zip codes. In recent years however, these imposing and dedicated eaters have been getting there butts kicked by Japanese contestants that are about half their size.

It turns out that having a gigantic, cavernous stomach isn’t required to consume a record setting amount of food…who knew? The competitions haven’t even been close; the Japanese champion holds the record at 53 ½, while the closest American was only able to eat 37. By the way, if you think eating that many hotdogs sounds unappealing, you ought to try seeing it. Yes, they have televised this event.

So, other than hoping that the Japanese champion loses consciousness, falls across the plate of a much larger contestant and is ‘accidentally eaten’ how can the Americans win back that proud mustard yellow belt? I’m glad you asked. I believe we must send to Japan a group of our most promising young people to study their techniques and training methods (among whom I would include the Olsen twins, not because they’d be any good, I’d just really like to get rid of them for a while).

In time, from this group would arise a great new champion, the ‘Chuck Norris’ of hotdog eating (minus the crappy movies and TV show). Then the USA will once again be able to boast of its gluttonous, gastronomical greatness, but we must do it soon. I have a hunch they’re going to make this an Olympic event someday. Go for the gold!

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