A previous previous post of mine dealt with tabloid newspapers and started me thinking. Why should real life celebrities the only victims of gossip and innuendo? Why should famous fictional characters be let off the hook? So, with the idea of correcting this great injustice rattling around in my brain, I’m considering publishing my own tabloid newspaper. I don’t have a name for it yet, but here are the sorts of headlines you can expect from this bastion of imaginary journalism:
DNA TEST PROVE MARMADUKE IS SCOOBY DOO’S DAD (ZOIKS!)
HORROR IN WONDERLAND! ALICE SELLS WHITE RABBIT TO TEST LAB, FEEDS DOOR MOUSE TO CHESHIRE CAT!
HOMER SIMPSON GROWS MULTIPLE BODY PARTS! MARGE STRANGELY HAPPY ABOUT IT.
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER FIND OUT THERE IS NO MRS.CLAUS! JUST ELVES TAKING TURNS WEARING WIG & NEGLIGEE!
SNOW WHITE KILLS DWARVES WITH PICKAX AND BAKES THEM INTO A MEATLOAF WHILE SINGING ‘HI, HO, HI, HO, IT’S LOW CARB YOU KNOW’!
GENIE OF THE LAMP SAYS ALADDIN GUILTY OF INAPPROPRIATE RUBBING. ALADDIN CLAIMS ITS WISHFUL THINKING ON GENIE’S PART.
VERY OLD GULLIVER HAS BLADDER PROBLEM, FLOODS LILLIPUT AGAIN! DOZENS FEARED DROWNED, ALL THE REST JUST REALLY DISGUSTED.
PINOCCHIO’S TRUE STORY. REFUSES TO BECOME REAL BOY, MOVES IN WITH ‘COMPANION’ HOWDY DOODY.
RONALD MCDONALD WAS EXPELLED FROM CLOWN SCHOOL FOR SPRAYING LION TAMERS’ CLOTHES WITH LIONESS PHEROMONES. SAYS DEAN ‘HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAN TRAPPED WITH SIX AMOROUS MALE LIONS? IT WASN’T PRETTY.’
There you have it…Pulitzer prize here I come.