Thursday, March 01, 2007

Let's get mystical...

It has recently been revealed that back in 2002, the British Ministry of Defense conducted experiments to see if psychics could locate Osama Bin Laden. Of course I don’t have to tell you that they didn’t find him, but imagine my surprise to find out that one of the people involved was my friend and world renowned psychic Madame Putwonovaonya.

So I made a phone call and Madame P. agreed to come in and tell us all a little about this rather unusual endeavor:

TDB: Welcome Madame Putwonovaonya, it’s wonderful to see you again.

MP: I wish I could say the same.

TDB: Ha ha, always with the kidding. So, just how do you and your psychic pals go about finding someone?

MP: Well, the method is called “remote viewing” and…

TDB: Is that anything like what dolphins do?

MP: No, I think that’s echolocation.

TDB: Can you explain the difference between the two? I mean, besides the fact that dolphins can actually find things.

MP: I don’t think that’s quite fair…

TDB: Well, did you find Osama?

MP: No, but…

TDB: Were you able to locate any of his henchmen? How about anyone with a beard? Anyone at all…Cat Stevens…Grizzly Adams…Santa Claus…

MP: Look, we are talking about a very complex and mysterious phenomenon here. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, no matter how much you want it to.

TDB: Maybe you have the psychic equivalent of erectile dysfunction.

MP: What?! I most certainly do not…

TDB: There’s no need to be embarrassed, I’m sure it happens to a lot of psychics once they reach a certain age. There’s no shame in needing a little help from a pill or a potion to “stiffen your psychic antenna” so to speak.

MP: There is nothing wrong with my “psychic antenna”! And just how old do you think I am anyway?

TDB: Oh, I don’t know…somewhere between Larry King and Methuselah?

MP: I don’t know why I keep coming back here!

TDB: Maybe it’s because of the photographs I have of you with the husband of one of your clients. You know…the ones where you’re giving him a “reading”…if you catch my drift.

MP: Oh right, those…how did you get them anyway?

TDB: It’s a secret, but you can always consult your crystal ball.

MP: I hate you.

TDB: Madame Putwonovaonya, as always it’s been a pleasure.

Listed on


Dan said...

Very funny my friend, as usual.

This reminds me a bit of a newspaper clipping I once saw that said:

"Psychic Fair cancelled due to unforeseen schedule conflicts".

Diesel said...

I've been telling people for years that we should be consulting the dolphins on these matters.

Jenna Howard said...

Ten years ago some friends & I went to a psychic. Only we were late...really late. "If she's any good," I said, "she knows we're lost."

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Dan- Hey, glad you were able to stop dancing long enough to stop by:)

Diesel- you know that Flipper would have damn well found him by now...or at least his underwater lair.

Jenna- the least she could have done was send out directions with her telepathic powers.

Anita said...

Ha! Maybe we should use the dolphins on these things! That's probably what they're always laughing about ... those malicious creatures have been hiding him all along! That's why I only eat dolphin unsafe tuna.

OK, OK, so maybe I'm still bitter that they picked my brother to swim with the dolphins as a kid instead of me. It's all the dolphins fault.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Bloody psychic dolphins! When's it gonna end? First they take all our tuna, eat all our peanuts, and now they're working for that leathery Sylvia Browne woman.

Oh. Wait. Maybe I didn't... uh...

Yeah, well, Sylvia Browne is still leathery, and psychics are still funny.

CSL said...

Found my way here through Diesel's blog, and also echolocation. I went to a party once where there was a psychic sitting at the dining room table doing readings for a "small donation" of $20 (a big wad for a grad student). She told the shlub getting the reading, "You have been hurt through love." he guy standing next to me rolled his eyes and said loudly, "Who hasn't?"

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Anita- dolphin unsafe one wants to talk about it, but it is a little tastier.

FooDaddy- I've always associated Sylvia Browne more with manatees than with dolphins.

Csl- readings for a "small donation", eh? Are these psychics noble or what?

Jocelyn said...

Damn. I'm with Diesel. Why have we not been taking dolphins into the mountains of Pakistan to echolocate out that bin Laden?

Diesel said...

Congrats, TDB! One of your posts has been nominated for the funniest blog post for February!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Jocelyn - it's just another example of people refusing to think outside the box.

Diesel- Thanks for the good news and as they say in Hollywood it's an honor just to be nominated...unlike most of those conceited phonies however, I really mean it.