Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Big money...

While reading about a recent lottery that was worth about 370 million dollars, I began thinking of previous big money lotteries and how often it seems that the people who win them have no idea how to spend the money.

That would not be a problem for yours truly, so read on if you want to find out how to spend a fortune Drive-by Blogger style

Despite the facts that I don’t fish and I’ve been known to get seasick just from standing in a puddle, I would still buy the obligatory yacht. I’d just plant it on my enormous front lawn and use it as the world’s most luxurious mailbox.

The grounds around my fabulous estate will be guarded by rarely fed Komodo dragons and a gigantic TV monitor will continuously show videos of previous trespassers being eaten.

My mansion would actually be a group of connected buildings that spell out “poverty sucks” when seen from high above…say from the top of my radio tower for example. From which will emanate the sounds of my own radio station WTDB, where we play “whatever the hell I feel like…all the time!”

Using the power of my new found wealth I will drive Joan Rivers into bankruptcy and then hire her as part of my domestic staff, just so I can force her to dress in a burlap sack and then ask her several times a day “who are you wearing?”

I would gather together all of the leading Bigfoot “experts” and fund an expedition into the most remote wilderness in North America, with orders not to return until they’ve caught him. Not because I believe that Bigfoot exists…it will just be nice not to ever hear from any of those idiots again.

To everyone who lives in a five-mile radius of my mansion I would offer to pay for any and all plastic surgery. Should too many of my homely neighbors fail to accept my generous offer, I would then buy up all their houses and give them as gifts to young, aspiring actresses and fashion models…just doing my part to keep America beautiful.

Of course, before long I would probably be as broke as MC Hammer, but easy come, easy go…that’s just how I roll.

Listed on


Anonymous said...

Don't forget the million (or more) deposited into an account for me!! Yeesh.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

You got it I just have to go and win it.

Sher said...

When I find out what neighborhood you're in, I'm buying land so as to take advantage of your plastic surgery plan. Can you say, "porn star boobs"?

Diesel said...

You know, MC Hammer lives about 20 miles from my house. Tracy, California. That's where you end up when you squander all your money but still don't want to move out of California.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Sher- I just hope all my neighbors share your can do attitude.

Diesel- The fact that you live so close to MC Hammer and haven't driven by his house while singing "Can't touch this" through a megaphone, proves you're a better man than I...assuming of course you haven't.

Jaesoreal said...

Poverty sucks! Classic! Diesel, I would ride by hammer's house and say "guess you weren't too legit afterall!"