Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I hope she brought her crystal ball...

We are in luck today because my dear friend and world renowned psychic Madame Putwonovaonya has agreed to be interviewed by yours truly…

TDB: Welcome Madame Putwonovaonya and thank you for coming.

MP: You’re welcome…can I have my dog back now?

TDB: Ha ha, what a kidder. Madame P. lets start at the beginning. When did you first realize you had these amazing gifts?

MP: Since I was about six or seven years old. I used to think it was much earlier because I always had this vague memory of someone from the spirit realm trying to speak to me while I was still in the womb. However, the spirits have since convinced me that it was just my mother breaking wind.

TDB: Fascinating…Tell me Madame P. what is the range of your gifts? What can you offer those who come to you for help?

MP: Oh, I do horoscopes, seances, exorcisms and the occasional bachelor party.

TDB: You give psychic readings at bachelor parties?

MP: Uh, right…readings…yeah, lets go with that.

TDB: Madame P. why is it that despite the fact that predicting the future is a large part of what you and other psychics do, none of you ever seem to see the really serious catastrophes coming?

MP: You see, sometimes the enormity of the event is so great that our psychic vision can’t take it all in, we’re just too close. You know the old saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees? It’s something like that.

TDB: Well that certainly sounds convenient…uh, I mean reasonable and it brings me to my next question. Why is it when you or one of your fellow mediums is in contact with the "other side" everything is so vague? It’s always something like "I’m feeling a strong male presence…goes by the name of Mark or Max…something starting with an M. Is there someone here who had a grandfather, father, uncle, older brother or cousin who’s name started with an M…anyone…?". Why can’t any of you ever just come out with very specific information, you know… names, dates and places?

MP: My dear, simple friend there are several reasons for this…

TDB: Somehow, I thought there might be.

MP: First of all, many of these people are in a transition from this world to the next and often don’t even know that they are dead.

TDB: Really? How odd…I would have thought that if the funeral didn’t tip them off, the burial would have made it quite clear.

MP: Also, there are dark forces on the other side and you don’t want to go shouting your name and location all willy-nilly. You never know who or what is listening, so the spirits only divulge a little at a time.

TDB: The other side sounds like a combination witness protection program and waiting room for ghosts. What are these dark forces you mentioned?

MP: They include everything from your garden variety demons to ancient, nameless entities so evil you wouldn’t even wish them on Geraldo Rivera.

TDB: Madame P. are you ever tempted to use your powers to do things like win the lottery or break the bank in a casino?

MP: Never, the spirits make it quite clear that we are not to use our gifts for personal gain.

TDB: But you do charge your clients a fee, don’t you?

MP: Yes, but it’s just enough to put food on the table and pay the rent.

TDB: Would that be the rent on your house in Malibu or the one in The Hamptons?

MP: For your information, that house in Malibu happens to be a school where I teach others to develop their own psychic powers.

TDB: I see…and how many students are enrolled now?

MP: Well, at the moment none, but that’s because I’m having a thermal regulated hydro meditation unit installed.

TDB: Do you mean a hot tub?

MP: Whatever…look are you implying something?

TDB: Of course not…well, we have just enough time left to mention your new book "Kiss me I’m Psychic: a hot chick’s guide to the paranormal." I must say that I think it’s the most compelling literary work since Suzanne Somers epic poem "Ode to my ThighMaster".

MP: Thanks…I think. Listen, about my dog…

TDB: Madame P. it has been a pleasure talking to you…but I’m sure you already knew that.


Joel said...

Great interview...much needed laugh!

puppytoes said...

i was gonna stop by, but then i "sensed" what you were writing about, so i decided didn't need to.

(funnyfunnyfunny stuff...but, um... whatever happened to that dog?)

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks puppytoes, the pooch is safely back in the heavily tattooed arms of Madame Putwonovaonya.