Sunday, March 25, 2007

Monkey business...

A group of chimpanzees was recently discovered in Senegal, making and using sharpened sticks to hunt small mammals with.

So far, no one seems alarmed by this…except perhaps our ever-vigilant Department of Homeland Security. There’s a rumor going around (or at least there will be if I have anything to say about it) that the DHS is looking into the possibility that terrorists are actually training these chimps to fight on their side against the West.

Let’s face it, when you’re main strategy involves suicide bombers, you’re going to start running low on people sooner or later. But it’s not just chimps, the DHS thinks that other primates may be used as well. Here’s a list of what the DHS believes we may be facing:

The Marmoset Slingshot Battalion

The Lemur Brass knuckle Division

The Capuchin monkey Blowgun Corps

The Orangutan Machete Strike Force

The Howler monkey Switchblade Regiment

The Baboon Baseball bat Squadron

Of course, the DHS doesn’t know for sure when attacks by these furry terrorists might begin, so when ever you find yourself at a circus, zoo or a pet store that sells “exotic” animals…stay alert!


Claire said...

Man will always find new ways to fuck with/up our closest relatives. :(
This was a very funny post!

brent said...

That was really funny.

I am now feeling inspired to write a song about "War Chimps."

Hopefully, it will pass.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Claire- thanks, the real funny part though is that some of my human relatives would have trouble operating a sharpened stick.

Brent- Well if it doesn't pass, I'd certainly like to hear it.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Yay! Marmosets!

Once trained, they can be stuffed into grenade-shaped containers that burst open on contact with the enemy. The marmosets crawl dazedly out and begin biting anything in sight.

They're teeny, but dangerous.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

You got that right FooDaddy. If I'm not mistaken I think a marmoset once pissed on Johnny Carson's head during one of those animal segments he used to do...have we learned nothing!

Sher said...

Excellent rumor. I'll pass it on.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks Sher, once the rumor mill is up and running I can start on conspiracy theories.

Dan said...

Since most of the chimpanzees I see are smoking, drinking, and playing cards, they probably wouldn't be very dependable. So I'm not worried.

Though I am worried that most of the chimps I see are smoking, drinking and playing cards.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Dan- "Though I am worried that most of the chimps I see are smoking, drinking and playing cards."

Yes that is worrisome, but the saddest of all are the crack addicted chimp prostitutes.

Jaesoreal said...

Gives new meaning to spanking the monkey!