Monday, October 30, 2006

Trick or treat...

Halloween is my favorite holiday. No forced Christmas “goodwill”, no desperate New Year’s “revelry”, just reminders of our mortality and greedy children as far as the eye can see. So, to honor the day, I offer a glimpse into one of my prize possessions. Here are some excerpts from the diary of Dr.Frankenstein’s lab assistant, the one and only…Igor!

March 10, 1798
Dear diary,
The master is in one of his moods today, going on and on about how hard it is to find good help these days.
Just because the brain I stole for the creature he’s making turned out to have been taken from a homicidal maniac. I swear, sometimes there’s just no pleasing that man. Not to mention he still hasn’t fixed the hump on my back like he promised…although he did do a great job of liposuctioning my thighs.

March 28, 1798
Dear diary,
Things continue to go badly for the master. For weeks he’s been trying to reanimate his creature with no success. The electricity bill is going to be enormous and I think his new bride is already proving very “popular” with many of the master’s male servants…if you know what I mean.

April 12, 1798
Dear diary,
Finally, the creature that the master stitched together from several dead bodies has sprung to life! On the downside, it has killed quite a few people, including the master’s young bride. Oh, it seems that the homicidal maniac, whose brain is now in the creature, was also a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…except that it may be a few days before the master can sit comfortably again.

April 26, 1798
Dear diary,
Well, it looks like I’m unemployed. Last night an angry mob of villagers armed with torches and pitchforks burned down the castle with the creature still inside of it. It’s too bad really…he had done such a lovely job of redecorating it.

The master has gone off to Vienna to try to forget. As for me, there’s a humpback convention in Munich and who knows…with any luck maybe I’ll find a “Mrs. Igor”. Wish me luck dear diary!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Progress marches on...

There was good news in the world of medicine recently when government scientists announced that they have created a vaccine against a virus that may have killed as many as one hundred million people.

The bad news is that they’re talking about the Spanish flu virus of 1918 and there’s no expectation that it will resurface, but hey…better late than never. So with that admirable philosophy in mind, here a few other things that scientists are busy working on:

Saber tooth tiger repellant

Off road chariots

Flame retardant paint for the Hindenburg

Disposable togas

A prosthetic ear for Vincent Van Gogh

Indestructible phonograph needles

Pyramid polish

Genetically engineered horses to speed up the Pony Express

And last but not least, remote controlled drawbridges…you know, for those occasions when your castle is under siege.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Blame Game...

Having recently posted something about Madonna’s little adoption adventure, I didn’t expect to be writing about her again so soon. However, I heard something that I just couldn’t let pass with out comment.

It seems that a teary eyed Madonna told the “Mighty and Beloved Oprah” (I think that’s her official title now) that she was surprised by the backlash caused by her recent adoption of a child from the country of Malawi and get this…she blames the MEDIA!

That loud sound you may have heard was the cosmic irony meter exploding. Now, blaming the media is a favorite pastime of television and radio pundits everywhere, but when Madonna (a woman who craves the spotlight the way zombies crave brains) does so, you have to take notice.

So I called her people and they very kindly informed me that the media is also responsible for: Madonna’s failure as an actress…suppressing the knowledge that the kabbalah is the one true faith…the death of vaudeville…black holes…Elton John’s awful hair piece…the Ebola virus…anal warts…obesity in America…global warming and finally…the sinking of the Lusitania.

Appalling, simply appalling…I urge that this “media” be rounded up and tried for crimes against humanity and sentenced to repeated screenings of
Swept Away. That ought to teach them

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Sticks and stones...

My hatred for politics in general and politicians in particular gets worse all the time. In fact, it’s nearing psychopathic proportions…an unfortunate state of mind perhaps, but then again the motto of this blog is “random as I wanna be” not “rational as I oughta be”.

Be that as it may, the unkind remarks made recently by Republican candidate John Spencer regarding the appearance of his opponent Hillary Clinton, have awakened an ancient, chivalric impulse deep within me and with it an urge to ride to the aid of a damsel in distress. Ok, that’s a lie…I’m no more a chivalric knight than Hillary is a helpless damsel. The truth is that someone has started in with some old fashion name-calling and I want in on it…there, are you satisfied now?

So without further ado, here is a list of insults Hillary can use if she decides to return fire:

“My opponent John Spencer…”

Has the muscular development of an anemic Girl Scout.

Won’t wear shorts because the varicose veins on one of his legs form the numeral 666.

Dyes his pubic hair magenta.

Has the most pockmarked face of anyone who hasn’t been out hunting with Dick Cheney.

Claims that’s his “real” hair, but it’s actually a toupee made in a Filipino sweatshop filled with eight-year olds.

Always smells like a mixture of Ben Gay and Preparation H.

Has testicles the size of Tic Tacs.

Wears false teeth made from the ivory of endangered elephants.

Has a nose big enough for Osama Bin Laden to hide in. Someone should probably look inside there…just in case.

Is rumored to have multiple body piercings “below the belt”…if you catch my drift.

By the way Hillary, should you decide not to exchange insults in public with Spencer, please feel free to use them against Bill the next time you two argue…I’m sure at least a couple of them must be applicable.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Spies like us...

Have you seen the television commercial for the CIA? I don’t know about anyone else but I can’t remember ever seeing advertisements of any kind for CIA recruitment. I wonder if it’s due to the beating that its image has taken recently?

Anyway, I thought the commercial was a little dull. We’re not talking about working at McDonald's here, this is espionage…cloak and dagger stuff. You need to appeal to people’s inner James Bond, so I’m taking this opportunity to show them how it should have been done…

Have you ever wanted to topple a foreign government or assassinate a rogue dictator? Do you find yourself fighting the urge to secretly video tape your friends and family? Does the thought of breaking international law and then denying all knowledge of it turn you on? Think you could run a secret prison?

Well, as part of the CIA, you’ll be able to do all those things and more all in the name of national security. The best part is, as a clandestine organization, we never really have to answer to anyone! Hell, some of the stuff that we’re doing is so hush-hush, that even we don’t know what’s going on.

If you’d like one of our brochures, call the number at the bottom of your screen… let it ring twice and then hang up…we’ll get one out to you right away. If you act now we’ll throw in this official CIA fleece jacket for free. Well, actually it was paid for with your tax dollars, but it’s a real nice jacket…so call today!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Not just another pretty face...

I readily admit that I have never given much thought to what (if anything) goes on in the mind of a supermodel…hard to believe I know, but it’s true. So it was with some amusement that I read in a newspaper that Claudia Schiffer thinks that the current crop of fashion models is too thin.

Now, Claudia herself (according to the paper) is 5-feet-ll and 128 pounds. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that she doesn’t see the irony here.

She seems unaware that to an American woman of average height and weight, she herself is still impossibly thin. Perhaps since she’s had a couple of kids, she sees herself as just another typical "hausfrau". A point she tries to illustrate with the following comment, “I eat chocolate almost every day and drink milk, so that I don't lose any more [weight]”.

Way to go Claudia, that’ll endear you to Jane Q. Public. Anyway, I’m off to see if I can find Christina Aguilera and ask her if she thinks that today’s pop stars are too skanky.

Friday, October 20, 2006

An open letter to Angelina Jolie...

Dear Angelina,

Oh no, she didn’t!

So, Madonna is trying to move in on your international baby adoption racket. Are you going to take that? Are you going to let that kabbalah loving, awful movie making, relic from the 1980’s get away with it?

The ball is in your court...the stakes have been raised... a challenged has been issued...the gauntlet has been thrown down…well, I’ve run out of clich├ęs . The point is, if you wish to retain your position as Hollywood’s preeminent orphan baby abductor…er, I mean adopter, then you must move quickly.

If I may be so bold as to offer some advice, I think the time has come to scale up your entire baby adoption program. No more of this one kid at a time stuff, on your next trip to…where ever the hell it is you’re going to next, adopt an entire orphanage.

I know it sounds expensive, but don’t worry about the cost, just pout those flesh colored airbags you call your lips and they’ll probably give you a group rate. Not to mention, if you reconcile with your dad, you’ll have an instant baby sitter…just don’t ask him to remember their names.

Then just sit back and watch Madonna’s head explode as she tries to figure out how to top that.

Sincerely yours,

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Devil's IQ...

Despite having less inclination towards spiritual matters than your average living room sofa, there is something I’ve often wondered about Satan worshipers.

Namely, have they ever been concerned that their chosen deity might be…well…special? I mean, “short yellow school bus special” if you catch my drift.

The reason I ask is because as I’ve heard the story told, Satan was an angel in heaven who rebelled and was cast into hell. Now, the trouble I have with that scenario is imagining anyone of sound mind looking over at the being that has created every thing in the universe, is all knowing, all powerful and saying “Yeah, I think I can take him.”

I mean, there would have to be something wrong with you right? Exactly what part of ‘all powerful’ did this celestial retard not understand? Just imagine the most lopsided fight you can think of…Gary Coleman versus Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson versus Dakota Fanning …whatever. This would have been a billion times worse.

Furthermore, even after the entirely predictable result of getting his ass kicked, Lucifer (Latin for ‘dim bulb’) is said to be waging war against his creator to this very day. With that kind of flawed decision-making, you have to at least consider the possibility of brain damage, don’t you?

To any Satan worshipers who feel offended, remember now this is just a little metaphysical speculation on my part, so don’t get your robes all in a twist and start threatening me with your hexes and whatnot. I support your right to worship any mentally challenged deity you choose and anyway, don’t you have a short yellow school bus to catch?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Seek and ye shall find: The sequel...

It is time once again to take a brief look at some of the search engine queries that have led a few intrepid explorers from the furthest reaches of cyberspace to this desolate planetoid of a blog…

Retirement nudist: probably just someone looking for a wrinkle friendly environment in which to spend their golden years.

Anne Heche alien abduction: Hey Anne, you remember when you had that little psychotic “episode” and thought you’d been abducted by aliens? Ah, good times…good times.

Deepthroat techniques: this one has actually come up so often that I think someone should open up a school dedicated to teaching it. I’m thinking of Madonna for Head Mistress.

Preparation H sniffing: this query raises the question is the sniffing to take place before the famed hemorrhoid cream is applied or after…sadly, we may never know.

Buy lederhosen for dachshunds: I’m guessing that those are something you can’t just buy off the rack…you've got to get them custom made. Anyway, the very idea of a dachshund in lederhosen is both disturbing and comical…it’s distomical!

Skinny dipping Yellowstone: Yeah, just don’t do it in Old Faithful. I wonder if this person would like to meet ‘retirement nudist’? At the very least they share an interest in public nudity.

What Hugh Hefner eats: you don’t need me for this one, just insert your own oral sex joke here.

Eliminating the smell of mothballs: I can only assume that they are talking about the commercially available product for protecting clothing and not the tiny testicles of actual moths…but I could be wrong.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Just wrap your lips around this Mademoiselle...

I must admit that I was flabbergasted to learn recently that many people credit the diminutive, French 19th century painter Toulouse Lautrec with inventing chocolate mousse, though he himself called it “chocolate mayonnaise”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll never be able to look at chocolate mousse in the same way, knowing that it was created by the most decadent painter, in the most decadent city, during the most decadent part of the 19th century.

You just know that he was using his “chocolate mayonnaise” to seduce the hookers hanging around the Moulin Rouge into giving him freebies. God only knows what he did with it when he got them over to his place.

It’s just like my great-grandfather Seamus MacFergle used to say, “ Aye, beware the wee perverts bearing creamy deserts”.

*Editor’s note: Here with a brief rebuttal is the president of the Toulouse Lautrec Admiration Society, Pierre La Blangue…

We at the TLAS take great offense at the suggestion that Toulouse Lautrec was using his brilliant culinary creation in unseemly acts with prostitutes or that he was in any way a pervert. In fact, we don’t even believe the author of those remarks even had a Scottish great-grandfather. Not to mention, we hear that he’s a little kinky himself, some have even called him a stone cold freak…but you didn’t hear that from us.”

*Editor’s note: We here at the Drive-by Blogger recognize our obligation to post opposing viewpoints…whenever we are being held at gunpoint.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Momma Lisa

According to a recent news item, a team of Canadian scientists using special infrared and three-dimensional technology say they have made a remarkable discovery about Leonardo da Vinci’s famous painting the Mona Lisa.

It seems that Mona’s dress is covered with a thin, transparent gauze veil, typically worn at that time by women who were either pregnant or had recently given birth. Amazing indeed, but I happen to know that the research team has been less than forth coming about some of the less flattering discoveries they’ve made. It turns out that Mona also had:

A “Born To Raise Hell” tattoo

A third nipple

A slightly phallic shaped birthmark

A mild case of eczema

And possibly some early signs of osteoporosis

Well, there you have it, the Mona Lisa as you’ve never seen her before…and probably never wanted to. Thanks science!