Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Sticks and stones...

My hatred for politics in general and politicians in particular gets worse all the time. In fact, it’s nearing psychopathic proportions…an unfortunate state of mind perhaps, but then again the motto of this blog is “random as I wanna be” not “rational as I oughta be”.

Be that as it may, the unkind remarks made recently by Republican candidate John Spencer regarding the appearance of his opponent Hillary Clinton, have awakened an ancient, chivalric impulse deep within me and with it an urge to ride to the aid of a damsel in distress. Ok, that’s a lie…I’m no more a chivalric knight than Hillary is a helpless damsel. The truth is that someone has started in with some old fashion name-calling and I want in on it…there, are you satisfied now?

So without further ado, here is a list of insults Hillary can use if she decides to return fire:

“My opponent John Spencer…”

Has the muscular development of an anemic Girl Scout.

Won’t wear shorts because the varicose veins on one of his legs form the numeral 666.

Dyes his pubic hair magenta.

Has the most pockmarked face of anyone who hasn’t been out hunting with Dick Cheney.

Claims that’s his “real” hair, but it’s actually a toupee made in a Filipino sweatshop filled with eight-year olds.

Always smells like a mixture of Ben Gay and Preparation H.

Has testicles the size of Tic Tacs.

Wears false teeth made from the ivory of endangered elephants.

Has a nose big enough for Osama Bin Laden to hide in. Someone should probably look inside there…just in case.

Is rumored to have multiple body piercings “below the belt”…if you catch my drift.

By the way Hillary, should you decide not to exchange insults in public with Spencer, please feel free to use them against Bill the next time you two argue…I’m sure at least a couple of them must be applicable.


Dan said...

I learned how to tell whether a TV or radio commercial is for Candidate X or for Candidate Y. If Candidate X is mentioned much more than Candidate Y, then it's a commerical for Candidate Y, and vice versa.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

You know, I think I like the idea of referring to them as just candidate X or candidate Y, unless it's someone from say the Independent party...then well just call them Candidate with a snowball's chance in hell.