I have an email subscription to a website called Celebrity Death Beeper. Whenever a celebrity buys the farm I get an email telling me about it. A little morbid perhaps, but I like it. However, lately I have become concerned about the quality of "celebrities" that have been included.
For example, of the last six or seven "celebrities" to kick the bucket, I’d only heard of three of them and one of those was the dog from the TV show Frasier. Now, I don’t blame the site, I can see where you wouldn’t want your subscribers to go too long without hearing from you, so you use the term celebrity in the broadest sense.
No…I blame the celebrities. They’re just not dying the way they used to. James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Jimi Hendrix…those were noteworthy celebrities dying in a newsworthy fashion. Too many of today’s stars are health and fitness nuts. Where is the excess, the reckless over indulgence that used to a big part of the Hollywood lifestyle?
Oh sure, you have a few celebrities doing there part for this grand old tradition, like Kate Moss reportedly snorting any white powdery substance within fifty feet of her and for a while Billy Joel would occasionally crash his car into something, but it’s just not enough.
So I’m asking all of you A and B list celebrities out there to put down your bottled water, fire your personal trainer, pick up a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a pack of smokes…just to get things started. Remember, for best results your demise should untimely, unexpected and if at all possible, spectacular.
Hell, at this point I’d even settle for D list celebrities…
Kathy Griffin, are you listening?