Sunday, July 02, 2006

Death, be not humble...

I have an email subscription to a website called Celebrity Death Beeper. Whenever a celebrity buys the farm I get an email telling me about it. A little morbid perhaps, but I like it. However, lately I have become concerned about the quality of "celebrities" that have been included.

For example, of the last six or seven "celebrities" to kick the bucket, I’d only heard of three of them and one of those was the dog from the TV show Frasier. Now, I don’t blame the site, I can see where you wouldn’t want your subscribers to go too long without hearing from you, so you use the term celebrity in the broadest sense.

No…I blame the celebrities. They’re just not dying the way they used to. James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Jimi Hendrix…those were noteworthy celebrities dying in a newsworthy fashion. Too many of today’s stars are health and fitness nuts. Where is the excess, the reckless over indulgence that used to a big part of the Hollywood lifestyle?

Oh sure, you have a few celebrities doing there part for this grand old tradition, like Kate Moss reportedly snorting any white powdery substance within fifty feet of her and for a while Billy Joel would occasionally crash his car into something, but it’s just not enough.

So I’m asking all of you A and B list celebrities out there to put down your bottled water, fire your personal trainer, pick up a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a pack of smokes…just to get things started. Remember, for best results your demise should untimely, unexpected and if at all possible, spectacular.

Hell, at this point I’d even settle for D list celebrities…
Kathy Griffin, are you listening?

6 comments:

neva said...

maybe that notification service could be expanded to include celebrities who have killed their careers? i'm thinkin' they could start with Starr Jones.

oh, hey, i just remembered, David Hasselhoff came close to heeding your request a few days ago... so there may be hope afterall!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks for that link neva, I hadn't heard about Hasselhoff's little accident...it's sounds more than a little strange.

So, he's "shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass."

First...there are gyms with chandeliers? Second...was he jumping while shaving or is this gym located in Lilliput?

neva said...

so...maybe you can convince that e-mail service to consider "celebrity near misses"?

as for the whole chandelier in the gym bathroom... i know! what the hell is up with that?? i must be going to the wrong gyms. oh, heh heh, that's right. we don't go to gyms. too expensive. suddenly, i think i know why!

joel said...

I'm thinking the notification service should expand its parameters a bit and include local celebrities. Surely that would insure a constant stream of bulletins.

"Jimmy the town clown of Clovis, California died today after he accidently inhaled a 10-inch balloon while trying to construct a balloon T. Rex."

Just a thought...

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