Sunday, November 12, 2006

It's gettin' hot in here...

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but as I sit typing these very words the heat in the room is turned off, the window is partially opened and I’m wearing just a tee shirt. (Yes, I’m also wearing pants…can you try to keep your minds out of the gutter for just ten seconds)

Even more astonishing, as I walked to the store the other day my coat was open and my usual cold weather gear, scarf, gloves etc, were no where to be seen. All this despite being in the northeastern part of the US, well into November. “So what” I hear you say. “It’s just unseasonably warm, there’s nothing alarming about it.

That might be true enough if you were talking to normal person, but what you don’t know about me is that I am the biggest cold weather wimp the world has ever known. At the end of each autumn I start praying to every major deity to grant me the ability to hibernate. I own more long underwear than the first three expeditions to the North Pole combined and I’m fairly sure that I have the circulatory system of a ninety-year old man. The mere mention of single digit temperatures causes me to break out in a rash and I’ve been rushed to the hospital several times after overdosing on hot cocoa.

So, what could be the reason for old man winter’s apparent feebleness this late in the year? I suppose that I could have some sort of rare, mysterious and possibly fatal disease that’s slowly raising my body temperature, until eventually steam will come whistling out of my nostrils, right before my head explodes…but I prefer to think that it’s global warming. Sure, that would mean the oceans will rise and much of the world’s coastlines will be submerged, but at least my head will be intact.

Look, I don’t pretend to be a scientist…well, there was that one time I tried to score a government grant to study the mating habits of women who work at Hooters, but my lawyers have advised me not to talk about that. All I’m saying is, you might want to consider investing in a company that manufactures air conditioners. In the meantime, I will keep monitoring the climate and checking my nostrils for any sign of steam…just in case.

8 comments:

Jenna Howard said...

Are you bragging about your warm weather?

That's so mean!!!

Dan said...

I'm right over here across the Hudson so I'm feeling the same warmth. My theory is that it's Al Gore's fault. Didn't he, like, invent global warming or something? Or was that the internet? Oh, how can anyone keep track of all of this?

I'm currently exploring the possibility of stepping in to complete your research project ... grant or no grant!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Jenna- not to worry, I'm sure Old Man Winter is going to thoroughly punish me for this post.

Dan- I believe it was in fact the Internet...and I think the Chia pet. Oh that Al Gore, truly a legend in his own mind.

Anonymous said...

Glad to have driven by your blog. It's a hoot! Stay cool...or hot...whichever you prefer! ;p

cindra said...

You had to go and say it aloud...now watch out!

Diesel said...

Drive-by - I bet I'm a bigger cold weather wimp than you are. I lived in Florida for a year in high school, and the other kids used to tease me for wearing a coat because the AC was too cold. I now live in California, where I usually begin to complain about the long winter about 3 weeks before winter actually starts.

Also, Al Gore only invented internet porn, which is admittedly most of the internet, but still.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Irene- thanks for stopping by, glad you liked it.

cindra-you're right, I forgot about not tempting fate.

Diesel- well, you do sound like a worthy contender, but until we find a way to settle this definitively, I suggest we share this dubious title.

Anonymous said...

Global Warming