Let's hear it for the Bard...

Monty Dingham Smythington, a scholarly acquaintance of mine, recently made a remarkable discovery. In a very old library he came across an original manuscript of unfinished and until now, unknown poems by William Shakespeare. The most interesting thing about these poems is that in them Shakespeare tackles some unusual subject matter…

Like this one about hair loss:

Oh, luxuriant tresses of my youth
Thy premature departure cuts me to the quick
Where verily did stand a thicket of auburn locks
Can now be seen naught but a scalp shiny and slick

Cruel fate doth make merriment of my tears
And grants me hair anew not on my head
But in my bloody ears…

Or this one about impotence:

Zounds! What fresh misery is this?
The shaft of Eros hangs in limp despair
Some witch must hath cast a vile spell
For never has this happened, verily I swear…

And this one about constipation:

My physician doth compare me to a river dammed
And claims his potions will grant my innards ease
But I must also drink copious amounts of water anon
And for god sake, stop eating so much cheese…

Ah, they just don’t write em’ like that anymore.