Saturday, June 24, 2006

America's Most Wanted Kiddies...

It was reported in the news last week that the officials of a New York City public school called the police on a six- year old boy, who they said had "thrown a tantrum and kicked a vice-principal". Previous to this incident the police had been called in because of a five-year old boy who allegedly "bit a teacher’s ankle".

We here at the Drive-by Blogger (and by we I mean me) say kudos to the strong leadership shown by these brave school officials in dealing with these pint-sized menaces to society. For too long these diminutive delinquents have run roughshod over the public school system. So, as a service to the Board of Education, I’m posting their top ten most wanted list…

1. Bill Weston, age 5: charged with carrying a concealed water pistol and inciting others to run with scissors.

2. Scott Jansen, age 5: charged with starting food fights and mooning the other children during show and tell.

3. Suzy Pollan, age 6: charged with attempting to blackmail her teacher with the "funny pictures" of her and the janitor the girl found while rifling her teachers desk.

4. Timmy Dugan, age 5, a.k.a. "The Wedgie Kid": charged with inflicting willful damage to other people’s underwear.

5. Robert Vega, age 6: charged with waging a vicious spitball campaign against a semi-retired (and completely clueless) substitute teacher.

6. Mary Sheldon, age 6: charged with extorting money from other children by threatening to sneeze on their lunches.

7. Ricky Smith, age 5: charged with attempting to kill the class’s pet hamster by feeding it his grandfather’s high blood pressure medicine.

8. Luke Fontana, age 5: charged with distributing pirated copies of Barney and Dora the Explorer.

9. Fred Wilson, age 5: charged with deliberately disorganizing the supply closet, also suspected of eating paste.

10. Rachel Tratsky, age 5: charged with flushing one hall pass, three erasers and her teacher’s keys down the toilet.

As John Walsh might say… "Come on America, let’s bring these low-lifes to justice!"


neva said...

i'm just grateful our kid's no longer on that list. (whew!)

Joel said...

Instead of posting their mugs in post offices...they could be displayed in the local "Chuckie Cheeses" and like kiddie eateries...also in the offices of Planned Parenthood.

Jae said...

You're blog is hilarious! I'm reading the old posts now! Give all the kids legos and force them to build their own prisons! Low cost, fun for them and a future place to store them! Win-win!