Monday, June 11, 2007

In your dreams...

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I am a certified dream analyst and I used to write a column called “Ask the Dream Doctor” for the now defunct magazine “The House of Morpheus”.

I thought that today I would share just a few of the many letters I used to receive from troubled dreamers all over the country…

Dear Dream Doctor: In my dream I’m standing in the doorway of my bathroom when I notice an ant in the middle of the bathtub. Suddenly, I find myself shrinking and being pulled towards the tub. Finally, I’m face to face with the ant, the tub around us looking like a gleaming porcelain desert.

The ant begins to speak and says, “You know, that abrasive cleanser you use is scratching the hell out of this bathtub!” It’s at that point I wake up, feeling confused and slightly embarrassed. Can you shed some light on this?

Betty from Peoria

Dear Betty, if I were a person with a strong spiritual or mystical outlook, I might suggest that this was some kind of coded message from your ancestors…but since I’m not, I think it just means you shouldn’t fall asleep while watching infomercials!


Dear Dream Doctor: I keep having the same recurring dream. It starts off with me in a train that keeps going in and out of the same tunnel again and again. Then suddenly, I’m straddling a huge rocket or missile just as it starts to blast off. Finally, I’m on the beach, watching as wave after wave pounds the shore, then I wake up soaked in sweat. Anyway, I don’t have a clue what this dream is about…can you help?

Dave from Atlanta

Dear Dave, so…you have no idea what this dream is about? Really…none at all? Well…uh, lets see…the part about the train means you’d like to travel, the rocket part could be about your concerns for national security. And the pounding waves likely has to do with…uh, surfing.

Now, do me a favor and drop whatever you’re doing and go take a really cold shower. In fact take several…every day...probably for the rest of your life.


Dear Dream Doctor: Yeah, I got one for ya. I had this dream about this deadbeat who likes to bet on the horses. Problem is, he ain’t so good at payin’ what he owes. Anyway, the dream ends with this dirtbag disappearing inside a sausage factory in New Jersey… capice?

Vinny from Hoboken

Dear Vinny, Yes, I understand your “dream” perfectly. I just need a little more time to “interpret” it for you and I can promise you’ll never have that dream again…I swear.


Ironically enough, it was Vinny himself who wound up disappearing. The newspapers said no one knew what had happened to him…but I avoided sausages for a long time anyway.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

10 comments:

HollyGL said...

Drive-by, I REALLY needed a good laugh today, and you delivered as usual. Thank you!

p.s. I'll never look at sausage the same way again.

neva said...

and, once again, you nicely reinforce the fact that my decision to be a vegetarian was a good one.

i am worried about that guy with the recurring train/rocket/surf dream, tho'-- no tellin' what someone with all that frustration might do. (like, maybe write an "abrupt" ending to a long-running HBO show about the Mafia). ouch. ; ) xox

The Drive-by Blogger said...

HollyGL- You are welcome. If I was able to brighten your day just a little, then the pleasure was mine.

neva- I hear a lot of people were unhappy with that ending. I loved your post about it over at the Snark, by the way.

Lord Likely said...

I have one recurring dream, but I do not think it appropriate to go into detail here, as it rather lewd and features midgets in tricorner hats, performing unmentionable acts of perversion upon a variety of household pets.

Fill in the blanks with your own filthy imaginations.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

That's the great thing about lewd dreams Lord Likely, their meanings are usually quite clear.

Jaesoreal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaesoreal said...

Where did you attend to get dream certified? Do you analyze psychotic hallucinations as well?

Diesel said...

I had a "dream" that Vinny had an "accident" while I was on "vacation."

BTW, now you owe me $20,000.

Theresa said...

That was too funny. Another funny thing is that my post today was also about a dream. Too bad I didn't see this post until today or I would have put a link to you as a dream analyst. As a matter of fact, I think I'll do an update and put up that link right now.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Jaesoreal- I became certified through one of those correspondence courses. They wanted an extra ten dollars for the psychotic hallucinations diploma...so I didn't get it.

Diesel- I wonder if that kind of thing is tax deductible?

Theresa- Thank you, it's much appreciated.