Saturday, April 07, 2007

Try and try again...

Once upon a time, in a more ambitious phase of my life, I pursued my fifteen minutes of fame by trying to set a new world record…any record would do. As you might have guessed from the obscurity in which I dwell, I never did accomplish my goal, but I have jotted down a few of my more memorable attempts…

Long distance tobacco juice spitting: This turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be. A pathetic dribble down my chin was about all I could manage, but the chewing tobacco did make me so sick I almost set an new world record…for projectile vomiting.

Hamster juggling: I never even got to make my attempt at this one because of two elderly women from PETA who assaulted me with their protest signs.

Speed tattooing: I thought I had a real shot at this record, but then the volunteers I was tattooing got all picky about things like the quality of the drawing, wanting me to use clean needles and not hitting any major arteries…people can be so self-centered.

Envelope licking: I didn’t even get close to the record with this one. After just the third envelope, I suffered a tremendous paper cut across my tongue that required many stitches. Having forgotten to have any emergency medical staff on hand I was aided by an itinerate seamstress from the tiny nation of Bakstabia. Unfortunately, I think in her culture it means that we’re engaged.

Most consecutive hours without sleep: In retrospect, this was a bad idea from the beginning…I need my sleep. It also turns out that sleep deprivation can lead to hallucinations and when I started imagining that I was Salome doing the dance of the Seven Veils, my attempt was pretty much over.

I did get a goodnight’s sleep in jail though.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

10 comments:

Sher said...

I think you should try hamster juggling again. I'm rooting for you.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks, I will if you'll keep an eye out for old ladies with signs.

MacBros said...

Sorry to hear about your failures.
But to shed some light on your particular situation, I've added you to my Reader and Blogroll.

Thanks for the laugh. I'm sure there will be more.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thank you Macbros!

Sindy said...

Geez! How dare those people worry about sanity and all that crap when getting a tat! What's the matter with them!?

LOL!

Diesel said...

It totally gets easier after you've dropped the hamsters a few dozen times. Especially if you're on concrete.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Sindy- I couldn't have put it better myself.

Diesel- That's good to know. Maybe if I try it again I'll make tiny crash helmets for them.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Instead of tobacco juice, you could try acorn juice. It looks the same, but its delightful nutty flavor and higher viscosity allows you to get more distance and enjoyment.

Just a thought.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Acorn juice, eh? Any side-effects from accidental swallowing...that was another problem with the chewin' tabaccy.

Jaesoreal said...

I set the world record for longest bowel-movement. 14 feet long. I know, impressive!