Thursday, May 18, 2006

Hold on to your rabbit's foot...

Although I don’t consider myself a superstitious person, I do come from a long line of superstitious people. I’m thinking in particular of my great- grandmother, a small but sturdy woman from a poor nation of indeterminate location. She was 109 years old when they finally buried her…I’ve heard she put up quite a fight. Anyway, here are some of the more obscure superstitions she brought with her from the old country…

Things that will bring bad luck:

Shaving a yak on the Sabbath.

Proposing marriage at an orgy.

Committing suicide during any month that has the letter R in it.

Placing your grandpa’s ashes is a pickle jar while you polish his urn.

Chopping firewood in an evening gown…especially if you’re not a woman.

Fondling a cheese wheel during a full moon.

Drinking directly from the udder of a cow before you have been formally introduced.

Things that will bring good luck:

Pinching the love handles of an obese fishmonger.

Being sneezed on by a one-armed bongo player.

Polishing your boots with the drool of a colicky infant.

Kissing the worm before you start fishing…but no tongues.

Trimming the toenails of a cross-eyed hermit.

Blowing your nose in a silk handkerchief…provided it’s not yours.

Then again, better safe than sorry…damn, where did I leave that pickle jar?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Oh, the things you find on the Internet...

When people talk about old Mother Nature, they’re almost referring to beauty, as in sunsets or her destructive power, as in earthquakes. It would seem however that Mother Nature also fancies herself something of a comedian. To illustrate my point, here are some excerpts from a science article I recently came across…

"Caterpillars shoot their faeces more than a metre from their homes to protect themselves from predators, an American ecologist has discovered."

"Older and larger caterpillars can launch 24 g pellets nearly 40 times their body length, at speeds of 1.3 metres per second; the longest distance recorded by Weiss was 153 cm."

"The study of ecology and evolutionary biology has been largely focused on the feeding strategies of animals; Weiss said it may be time for scientists to also look at waste disposal as a potentially promising new field which she dubbed 'evolutionary faecology'."

I’m just glad that primates didn’t take up this peculiar evolutionary adaptation or toilet training children would be an entirely different experience…involving Hazmat suits and water hoses. As for the promising new field of 'evolutionary faecology', there’s a title you’d be proud to have on a business card.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Stop The Music...

To be honest, I’ve never liked musicals, whether they’re on the screen or on a stage. However, it wasn’t until they started producing shows like Titanic and Momma Mia (a show based on the music of the pop group ABBA) that I realized there was almost no subject too tragic or inane to become a musical.

So here are some ideas that with the right backing could become huge hits. Now all I have to do is get Rosie O'Donnell’s phone number…

Who’s a Naughty Boy:
Based on the exploits of Jack the Ripper, played by Tommy Tune. Music by Elton John featuring such future hits as "Don’t Let This Knife Go Dull On Me" and "I’m Still Slashing". Rounding out the cast is Martin Short as the head of Scotland Yard.

The Mountains of Tennessee:
A dance revue inspired by the music and anatomy of country music legend Dolly Parton. The Olsen twins return to their show biz roots and give a memorable performance as Dolly’s breasts.

Love You Like the Plague:
A musical comedy about the "Black Death" that ravaged Europe during the 1300’s, with Nathan Lane as the last surviving priest trying his best to avoid all those dying around him. Fun for the whole family.

Beneath the Golden Arches:
The story of America’s most famous fast food joint told in song and dance. Andrew Lloyd Webber provides the music and you will believe that John Lithgow is Ronald McDonald.

Pardon My Dust Bowl:
It’s the Great Depression, as you’ve never seen it…set to music by Stephen Sondheim. Starring Mandy Patinkin as a union busting goon and Bernadette Peters as the unemployed factory girl he falls in love with…bring a hankie.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Do You Believe in Magic...

Hey, how about that David Blaine…with the water and the chains and whatnot. You know, it can’t be easy coming up with stunts that manage to amaze and bore your audience simultaneously.

Previously, he has accomplished this seemingly impossible paradox by being buried in a glass coffin, encasing himself in a block of ice and spending 44 days suspended high in the air somewhere in England. Although, many of the people there seemed more annoyed than amazed…I guess some cultural curiosities don’t travel well.

Now that he has spent a week in a gigantic fishbowl, rumors have already started circulating about what his next daring stunt/snorefest might be…

For one full month he will live in the tallest tree in New York City’s Central Park, by which time he claims he will have become "Lord of the Squirrels".

He will glue himself to the back of one of those giant tortoises in the Galapagos Islands and vow to stay on it until one of them dies.

To test his tolerance for pain, wearing only the skimpiest bathing suit, he will lay flat on a huge electric griddle. Every half-hour a forklift will flip him over.

Chained to an easy chair with his eyes propped open with toothpicks, he will endure watching every single episode of Will & Grace, without a break. Charlie Sheen will be standing by with two emergency hookers, who will spring into action at the first sign that Blaine might be starting to " turn that way".

Wrapped from head to foot in Saran Wrap, he will be placed in an abandoned refrigerator for two weeks, after which time a panel of television chefs will check him for freshness.

Well, I’m off to see if there’s any water left in the big fishbowl…I’m sure I could sell it on eBay.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Geldings and Stallions and Mares, Oh my...

The Kentucky Derby was held a couple of days ago…please, try to contain your excitement. Generally speaking, I don’t pay much attention to horse racing, even thought it has been called the "sport of kings"…a term that I always thought referred to the kings "activities" with the royal concubines.

However, thanks to the media’s relentless coverage of this event, I was reminded that there is one aspect of this sport that interests me…the names of the horses. For some reason racehorses are often given unusual or even weird names, like this years winner
Barbaro or his fellow competitors Deputy Glitter and Seaside Retreat.

Well, since the unusual and weird are right up my alley, here’s what the race might have sounded like if I had been allowed to name all the horses…

"And they’re off!
Morning Wood pops out of the gate quickly, followed closely by Forty ‘n Flatulent and Lethal Injection in third. Moving hard to the outside is Your Father’s Mustache with Clogged Arteries hot on his tail".

"The horses jostle for position and as they head into the first turn Pride of Guantánamo and Alcoholic Haze are neck and neck, trailed by Soon To Be Meatloaf."

"Now they’re through the final turn and heading for the home stretch and from out of nowhere its Zits a Poppin’ taking the lead! Zits a Poppin’ wins the Kentucky Derby, with Nervous Altar Boy coming in second and Phantom Fudge-Packer bringing up the rear".

Damn…I bet everything on Morning Wood.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Goodbye cruel world...

Not long ago I read about a man who in a failed suicide attempt used a nail gun to fire 12 nails into his skull. While his bid for oblivion might have been unsuccessful, I think you have to give him credit for "thinking outside the box" (even if he was just trying to put himself into one permanently).

Clearly, here was a man without a real gun, so he decided to improvise. This got me thinking about other possible "alternative" suicide methods and their positive and negative points and I came up with the following…

Overdose on laxatives.
Positive: whoever finds your body will remember you FOREVER.
Negative: not sure if it will actually kill you or just keep you "occupied" for a really long time.

Walking around during a thunderstorm completely covered in aluminum foil, while waving a golf club over your head.
Positive: if you mange to get struck, it should be all over very quickly.
Negative: you might have to fend off any homeless people who mistake you for a very large baked potato.

Radiation poisoning from the x-ray machines at the airport.
Positive: big style points for creative use of technology.
Negative: takes way too long and might lead to unpleasant, but non-lethal cavity searches.

Blocking the entrance to Kirstie Alley’s favorite restaurant the day after her contract with Jenny Craig expires.
Positive: being trampled by a ravenous celebrity might get your name in the paper.
Negative: contact with Scientologists can result in the sudden belief in crackpot theories and or Tom Cruise jumping on your couch.

Landmine stomping, this involves traveling to Southeast Asia where forgotten landmines pose a threat to local inhabitants and stomping around until you hit one.
Positive: people will think you did it for humanitarian reasons.
Negative: there’s a small chance that you’ll just have one of your legs blown off, thus forcing you to resort to "landmine hopping".

Avian Fluicide, the idea here is to try to catch a deadly virus by licking every bird in your local pet store.
Positive: the birds seem to like it.
Negative: possible unwanted advances from the creepy storeowner.

Slit wrists with the jagged shards of a hundred broken dreams…no wait, forget that one…it’s just an entry from my diary.

Oh, I’d like to thank the folks over at
Bloggy for the nice review they gave to yours truly.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

As my dear ol' grandpa used to say...

Most of us are familiar with at least a few old sayings, those concise, pithy and sometimes barely comprehensible nuggets of "wisdom" that get passed down through the ages. However, if you’re anything like me (perish the thought) you may have felt that something was missing…like you were only given a part of the original saying. So I did some research and compiled a list of well know sayings in their complete and unabridged form…

That which does not kill me, makes me stronger…except when it leaves me curled in a fetal position, weeping and or bleeding.

The early bird catches the worm…not to mention pneumonia from the chilly morning air and salmonella from eating filthy worms.

A penny saved is a penny earned…which then becomes a penny taxed, which in turn becomes a penny spent on studying the reproductive habits of the highly endangered Albino Barnacle.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…but if you tie enough weight to it, you can certainly drown the stubborn bastard.

Blood is thicker than water…but it still makes a lousy syrup.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth…and don’t let me catch you poking around the other end either.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…so why the hell are you still here.

All that glitters is not gold…but you never know, so bury it for safe keeping and kill anyone you think might have seen you.

Hindsight is 20/20…but if you say "I told you so" one more time, I will poke your eyes out.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush…provided of course you don’t mind a hand covered in bird crap.

Iron bars do not a prison make…but it’s a hell of a beginning.

Cold hands, warm heart…could be hypothermia.

Too many cooks spoil the broth…because you know one of them is bound to sneeze in it.

A place for everything and everything in its place…does that make you happy now, you obsessive, compulsive control freak!

A fool and his money are soon parted…which reminds me, can you loan me $500.

I feel wiser already.