Tuesday, May 02, 2006

As my dear ol' grandpa used to say...

Most of us are familiar with at least a few old sayings, those concise, pithy and sometimes barely comprehensible nuggets of "wisdom" that get passed down through the ages. However, if you’re anything like me (perish the thought) you may have felt that something was missing…like you were only given a part of the original saying. So I did some research and compiled a list of well know sayings in their complete and unabridged form…

That which does not kill me, makes me stronger…except when it leaves me curled in a fetal position, weeping and or bleeding.

The early bird catches the worm…not to mention pneumonia from the chilly morning air and salmonella from eating filthy worms.

A penny saved is a penny earned…which then becomes a penny taxed, which in turn becomes a penny spent on studying the reproductive habits of the highly endangered Albino Barnacle.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…but if you tie enough weight to it, you can certainly drown the stubborn bastard.

Blood is thicker than water…but it still makes a lousy syrup.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth…and don’t let me catch you poking around the other end either.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…so why the hell are you still here.

All that glitters is not gold…but you never know, so bury it for safe keeping and kill anyone you think might have seen you.

Hindsight is 20/20…but if you say "I told you so" one more time, I will poke your eyes out.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush…provided of course you don’t mind a hand covered in bird crap.

Iron bars do not a prison make…but it’s a hell of a beginning.

Cold hands, warm heart…could be hypothermia.

Too many cooks spoil the broth…because you know one of them is bound to sneeze in it.

A place for everything and everything in its place…does that make you happy now, you obsessive, compulsive control freak!

A fool and his money are soon parted…which reminds me, can you loan me $500.


I feel wiser already.

3 comments:

neva (aka: puppytoes) said...

"the proof is in the pudding... stay away from the tapioca."

"loose lips sink ships... so try to keep yours on your face, because no one likes to look at a person without lips. especially on a ship..."

"virtue is its own reward... it's a really crappy reward, but hey, it sure beats a sharp stick in the eye."

"neither a borrower nor a lender be... which is why i shall stop trying to emulate you, by "borrowing" this concept for the purpose of creating a clever/comedic comment--because, and i think you'll agree, i'm not very good at it. in fact... i suck."

Joel said...

Excellent additions to those well worn sayings. I often imagine that the great folks who uttered the original versions would laugh their respective asses off if they knew the words were now considered pearls of wisdom. You know more than a couple of these were probably offered in a drunken stupor and/or followed by hearty laughter by all those around who promptly pronounced it's creator as being fabulously full of shit.

Judy V. said...

Let me try... A bird in the hand is worth three in the bush...What does that mean anyway? Unless you like chaseing birds (ladies) in the bush. Oh never mind.