The Kentucky Derby was held a couple of days ago…please, try to contain your excitement. Generally speaking, I don’t pay much attention to horse racing, even thought it has been called the "sport of kings"…a term that I always thought referred to the kings "activities" with the royal concubines.
However, thanks to the media’s relentless coverage of this event, I was reminded that there is one aspect of this sport that interests me…the names of the horses. For some reason racehorses are often given unusual or even weird names, like this years winner Barbaro or his fellow competitors Deputy Glitter and Seaside Retreat.
Well, since the unusual and weird are right up my alley, here’s what the race might have sounded like if I had been allowed to name all the horses…
"And they’re off! Morning Wood pops out of the gate quickly, followed closely by Forty ‘n Flatulent and Lethal Injection in third. Moving hard to the outside is Your Father’s Mustache with Clogged Arteries hot on his tail".
"The horses jostle for position and as they head into the first turn Pride of Guantánamo and Alcoholic Haze are neck and neck, trailed by Soon To Be Meatloaf."
"Now they’re through the final turn and heading for the home stretch and from out of nowhere its Zits a Poppin’ taking the lead! Zits a Poppin’ wins the Kentucky Derby, with Nervous Altar Boy coming in second and Phantom Fudge-Packer bringing up the rear".
Damn…I bet everything on Morning Wood.