Although I don’t consider myself a superstitious person, I do come from a long line of superstitious people. I’m thinking in particular of my great- grandmother, a small but sturdy woman from a poor nation of indeterminate location. She was 109 years old when they finally buried her…I’ve heard she put up quite a fight. Anyway, here are some of the more obscure superstitions she brought with her from the old country…
Things that will bring bad luck:
Shaving a yak on the Sabbath.
Proposing marriage at an orgy.
Committing suicide during any month that has the letter R in it.
Placing your grandpa’s ashes is a pickle jar while you polish his urn.
Chopping firewood in an evening gown…especially if you’re not a woman.
Fondling a cheese wheel during a full moon.
Drinking directly from the udder of a cow before you have been formally introduced.
Things that will bring good luck:
Pinching the love handles of an obese fishmonger.
Being sneezed on by a one-armed bongo player.
Polishing your boots with the drool of a colicky infant.
Kissing the worm before you start fishing…but no tongues.
Trimming the toenails of a cross-eyed hermit.
Blowing your nose in a silk handkerchief…provided it’s not yours.
Then again, better safe than sorry…damn, where did I leave that pickle jar?