Friday, May 05, 2006

Goodbye cruel world...

Not long ago I read about a man who in a failed suicide attempt used a nail gun to fire 12 nails into his skull. While his bid for oblivion might have been unsuccessful, I think you have to give him credit for "thinking outside the box" (even if he was just trying to put himself into one permanently).

Clearly, here was a man without a real gun, so he decided to improvise. This got me thinking about other possible "alternative" suicide methods and their positive and negative points and I came up with the following…

Overdose on laxatives.
Positive: whoever finds your body will remember you FOREVER.
Negative: not sure if it will actually kill you or just keep you "occupied" for a really long time.

Walking around during a thunderstorm completely covered in aluminum foil, while waving a golf club over your head.
Positive: if you mange to get struck, it should be all over very quickly.
Negative: you might have to fend off any homeless people who mistake you for a very large baked potato.

Radiation poisoning from the x-ray machines at the airport.
Positive: big style points for creative use of technology.
Negative: takes way too long and might lead to unpleasant, but non-lethal cavity searches.

Blocking the entrance to Kirstie Alley’s favorite restaurant the day after her contract with Jenny Craig expires.
Positive: being trampled by a ravenous celebrity might get your name in the paper.
Negative: contact with Scientologists can result in the sudden belief in crackpot theories and or Tom Cruise jumping on your couch.

Landmine stomping, this involves traveling to Southeast Asia where forgotten landmines pose a threat to local inhabitants and stomping around until you hit one.
Positive: people will think you did it for humanitarian reasons.
Negative: there’s a small chance that you’ll just have one of your legs blown off, thus forcing you to resort to "landmine hopping".

Avian Fluicide, the idea here is to try to catch a deadly virus by licking every bird in your local pet store.
Positive: the birds seem to like it.
Negative: possible unwanted advances from the creepy storeowner.

Slit wrists with the jagged shards of a hundred broken dreams…no wait, forget that one…it’s just an entry from my diary.

Oh, I’d like to thank the folks over at
Bloggy for the nice review they gave to yours truly.


neva said...

dark and darkly funny tonight, are we? (yes, apparently, we are!)

well, i, for one, thought that was a perfectly lovely review, tho' i think you're more relevant than they gave ya credit for... overall i'd say you rate a solid 9 (you lose a point for the black screen, but only because it challenges my poor weary eyes...)

that said... a "bloggy award" by any other name is still a nice pat on the back...even if you're getting it as you're speeding by, and the guy giving it to you gets his arm stuck in the window you tried to roll up when you first spied him running alongside the car, so you wind up dragging him 15 or 16 blocks at a fairly high speed before you realize that horrible noise you hear are coming from him, and not that pissy cd player you keep meaning to have repaired. and then, once you do stop, he starts yelling at you even louder, because he was actually trying to "end it all", which, of course, was going to take at least another 10 blocks, and you've just foiled his attempt die in a truly spectacular fashion (hey, his job is giving out "back pats"--hence, his concept of a spectacular demise may not be in line with yours and/or mine), which scares the shit out of you, so you start driving away really fast, only to look in your rear view window, where you can see him standing in the middle of the street, shaking what's left of his fist at you...until he gets hit by a truck.

positive: hey, you got that pat on the back

negative: the cops were none too impressed, neither was the judge, and your fellow inmates thought you won a "doggie" award, and...well... you know the rest.

hope ya have a spectacular weekend! : D

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks neva, for the compliment and the story...I do love a happy ending.

As for the review, I only hope that when the time comes, whoever writes my epitaph will be half as kind.

butter said...

Yeah, I stumbled across your blog via and I must say...not too shabby.

You got me to laugh more than a few times, so that means you're automatically bookmarked. Congrats (Well, I guess being bookmarked is a good thing, but coming from me it might not be).

Oh, and one quick question: how long did you have to wait for your blog to be reviewed once you signed up?

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Thanks butter, I think it was about three or four months.