Not long ago I read about a man who in a failed suicide attempt used a nail gun to fire 12 nails into his skull. While his bid for oblivion might have been unsuccessful, I think you have to give him credit for "thinking outside the box" (even if he was just trying to put himself into one permanently).
Clearly, here was a man without a real gun, so he decided to improvise. This got me thinking about other possible "alternative" suicide methods and their positive and negative points and I came up with the following…
Overdose on laxatives.
Positive: whoever finds your body will remember you FOREVER.
Negative: not sure if it will actually kill you or just keep you "occupied" for a really long time.
Walking around during a thunderstorm completely covered in aluminum foil, while waving a golf club over your head.
Positive: if you mange to get struck, it should be all over very quickly.
Negative: you might have to fend off any homeless people who mistake you for a very large baked potato.
Radiation poisoning from the x-ray machines at the airport.
Positive: big style points for creative use of technology.
Negative: takes way too long and might lead to unpleasant, but non-lethal cavity searches.
Blocking the entrance to Kirstie Alley’s favorite restaurant the day after her contract with Jenny Craig expires.
Positive: being trampled by a ravenous celebrity might get your name in the paper.
Negative: contact with Scientologists can result in the sudden belief in crackpot theories and or Tom Cruise jumping on your couch.
Landmine stomping, this involves traveling to Southeast Asia where forgotten landmines pose a threat to local inhabitants and stomping around until you hit one.
Positive: people will think you did it for humanitarian reasons.
Negative: there’s a small chance that you’ll just have one of your legs blown off, thus forcing you to resort to "landmine hopping".
Avian Fluicide, the idea here is to try to catch a deadly virus by licking every bird in your local pet store.
Positive: the birds seem to like it.
Negative: possible unwanted advances from the creepy storeowner.
Slit wrists with the jagged shards of a hundred broken dreams…no wait, forget that one…it’s just an entry from my diary.
Oh, I’d like to thank the folks over at
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