Friday, May 18, 2007

Fans to the end...and beyond.

It’s no secret that merchandising is a part of sports, but it appears that baseball is taking it to another level. A company called Eternal Image has made a deal with Major League Baseball to sell urns and coffins that feature the logos and colors of all 30 teams.

Since it is pretty clear that Major League Baseball will put its brand on just about anything, I have a few suggestions of my own…

Condoms: If you’re not looking to add any new “players” to your home team, just remember to cover your “Louisville slugger” with one of these and it’s “off to the old ballgame!” Available in three sizes: Homerun king, Utility player and Batboy.

Fertilizer: Want your lawn to look as green as centerfield? Then try Major League Baseball brand industrial strength fertilizer. Made from the droppings of only the finest steroid filled cows, this crap will grow grass on concrete.

Ski masks: Baseball is basically a warm weather sport, but when winter comes and you’re ready to hit the slopes you can still show your love for the game by wearing a ski mask emblazoned with the logo of your favorite team. And if someone should decide to rob a liquor store while wearing one, well as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

: Oatmeal and fruit might be ok for soccer loving foreigners, but if you want your children to have the energy they need for little league baseball, then pour them a heaping bowl of “Frosted Golden Glovies”. The cereal that’s 98 percent pure sugar and 2 percent of some other edible substance*

*“Frosted Golden Glovies” has been known to cause comas in children under the age of five.

Ah yes, crass commercialism…now there is a great national pastime.

Listed on


Anonymous said...

Oh ya, the cereal. Remember when sugar was part of the name? They changed them all to something like "Natures Bounty Lavished With Pure Sucrose" or something like that.
Caught one of your captions at Diesel's place. Cracked me up.


Staff said...

Better make sure that urn is "Officially Licensed" by Major League Baseball or Bud Selig will pop by some time and confiscate it... after dumping your ashes in the toilet.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Skul- Thanks. Yep, so much for truth in packaging.

Staff- Is it just me or does "Bud Selig" sound like the kind of name a gangster in a 1940's B-movie would have?

Diesel said...

Frosted Golden Glovies may stick to certain types of skin. Do not taunt Frosted Golden Glovies.

jjackstocks said...

That is a official MLB urn

Eternal Image is the company that makes them-

they specialize in licensed funerary products

minijonb said...

i could use some Frosted Golden Glovies right now. i'm just sayin'...

Sher said...

You laugh at the condom thing now, but dollar to donuts some big city jack leg puts 'em in a vending machine near you in no time.

I just said dollar to donuts. That can't be good.

Jaesoreal said...

Condoms can also come in Minor League for those not working with a major league bat!