Not long after I started this blog, Donald Trump was involved in a public feud with Martha Stewart. In recent weeks he has been involved in a public feud with Rosie O’Donnell. Both feuds brought plenty of the media attention that he desperately seems to crave.
As a result, my sources tell me that “The Donald” has decided to carry this even further by hosting a TV show in which a psychic will channel the spirits of famous women from the past and Trump will attempt to start feuds with them.
Thanks to my connection to a well placed mole in the Trump organization (by the way, I don’t mean a person, I mean a literal mole on the back of Trump’s neck. It talks to me whenever I’ve swallowed enough cough syrup) I have obtained the following excerpts from the first show. Have a look at what the “hardest working comb-over in show business” had to say to these well known women…
To Cleopatra: “Great Queen of Egypt my ass. If it wasn’t for the fact that you were boinking both Julius Caesar and Marc Antony, no one would even remember you. And what’s the deal with committing suicide by snakebite? Only a loser would die from that. I pour snake venom on my cereal every morning just for fun. If I ever wanted to end my life I’d just force my heart to stop beating with the sheer force of my will power…that’s how a person with class commits suicide.”
To Eleanor Roosevelt: “Its called dentistry, Eleanor and you should have looked into it when your husband was president. No one wants a first lady who looks like she’s part beaver…speaking of which, I read some of your letters to Lorena Hickok. Pretty hot stuff for the time, did FDR know that you were a “Friend of Rosie”? That’s a euphemism for lesbian that I just came up with, soon everybody will be using it…it’s gonna be huge.”
To Eve: “Way to go and get all of humanity kicked out of paradise. An entire garden of great things to eat and you have to go sink your teeth into the only forbidden piece of fruit in the whole frickin’ place. If I had been in Adam’s shoes, and I would have made a pair of shoes out of that stupid serpent, I would have negotiated a deal with God for a younger and better-looking woman…that hates fruit."
To Helen of Troy: “The face that launched a thousand ships? Yeah, in the opposite direction. Trust me sweetheart, you wouldn't stand a chance against any of the girls in my highly successful and popular beauty pageant. Ok, so maybe it’s true that no one really knows what you looked like, but my gut instinct…the same gut instinct that has made me one of the most successful people on earth, tells me you probably looked liked seven miles of bad road."
To Susan B. Anthony: “ Suffragette? More like insufferable. Listen, the Susan B. Anthony dollar was a disaster. Most people kept confusing it with the quarter. When my face is eventually put on a coin it will be unmistakable. It will be large, made of solid gold and have a full frontal portrait, none of this just a profile crap.”
There’s also a rumor that Donald is writing a book called “The Art of the Celebrity Feud”. Look for it in a trash can near you.
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