Saturday, January 27, 2007

Buggin' out...

As we all know, nature can be both beautiful and horrifying, serene and chaotic, insouciant but not pretentious…no wait, that last one actually describes a bottle of wine someone gave me yesterday. Where was I going with this again? Oh yes, now I remember…nature is also full of surprises.

Once again I find myself amazed by some aspect of nature heretofore unknown to me. This time the spotlight falls on the seemingly common place cockroach. Like most people I’ve heard about how they would inherit the earth if humanity should destroy itself with nuclear weapons and that they can eat anything from glue to hair.

What I was unaware of though, is the fact that cockroaches can live for anywhere from a week to a month…without their heads! Granted, the headless cockroaches don’t do much and I’m guessing that the severed heads do even less, but come on…a month without a head? Can you imagine if humans shared this little trait? For starters, the French Revolution would have taken much longer to get through.

Anyway, from the bowels of my over-active imagination, I present to you the tale of one unfortunate cockroach that met such a fate…

Setting: Two cockroaches walking on a kitchen table encounter a third.

First cockroach: Hey this guy looks kind of familiar, but I’m drawing a blank on the name.

Second cockroach: Maybe that’s because he’s got no head.

First cockroach: That’s it! I knew something wasn’t quite right.

Third cockroach: You guys are both idiots.

First cockroach: Who said that?

Third cockroach: Down here.

First cockroach: Hey, it’s Tony! What happened to you dude?

Third cockroach: I was trying to eat the glue on the flap of that envelope over there, when I slipped and fell neck first on to the edge of the flap…lopped my head clean off.

Second cockroach: Oh, a paper cut…they’re the worst kind.

First cockroach: I’ve heard that! So…how long have you been here?

Third cockroach: Just a few hours.

Second cockroach: Hmm…so this body still has plenty of time. Hey, since you won’t be using it, do you mind if I give it to my cousin Bruce.

Third cockroach: Your gay cousin Bruce? You know I don’t swing that way.

Second cockroach: (pointing to the headless body) You don’t…but he might.

Third cockroach: No he doesn’t…I mean I don’t. Damn it, it’s still my body!

Second cockroach: Well, I don’t see your name on it.

First cockroach: (snickering) Or you head attached to it.

Third cockroach: Oh, you guys are a riot.

Second cockroach: Cheer up dude, it could be worse. It’s not like you spent all your money on hats.

First cockroach: Hey, I bet I can kick his head into that bowl of peanuts at the other end of the table.

Second cockroach: No way…prove it!

Third cockroach: What?!

(First cockroach steps back and kicks with all its might)

Third cockroach: ( his voice growing fainter as his head sails through the air) You guys suck!

Second cockroach: Unbelievable, it just made it in!

First cockroach: I told you. Hey, are you really gonna take this body to your cousin?

Second cockroach: Nah, he and his boyfriend moved to Vermont months ago. Let’s just eat it.

First cockroach: Dibs on the legs!

Second cockroach: Relax, there are six of them.

First cockroach: Oh yeah, right.

No cockroaches were actually harmed in the making of this story.

Listed on


Diesel said...

Brilliant! Excellent first entry on

Man, it's quiet in the blogosphere today. Where is everybody?

Dan said...

how they would inherit the earth if humanity should destroy itself

You mean they haven't already? :)

Funny post my friend!

Anita said...

Very funny ... this would make a perfect children's story (minus the gay cousin bruce of course).

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Diesel- Glad you like it and thanks for letting me in on, it's a great idea.

Dan- Hard to believe I know, but it occurs to me that humanity might be the "cockroaches" of the mammalian world...just darn hard to get rid of.

Anita- Scholastic Publishing, you heard the lady. We could just refer to cousin Bruce as "cheerful" instead.

Jocelyn said...

Nature also ends with a long, oaky finish on the tongue.

Diesel said...

Drive-By - Trust me, you deserve all the publicity you can get. Funny stuff, pal.

Jocelyn - LOL!

That's one clever little bitch! said...

Very nice story. Although when you said one of the cockroaches was 'snickering' you reminded me of Snickers candy and my overwhelming desire for nougat, chocolate, and caramel almost distracted me from finishing. Thank god I can control my urges. :)