Celebrities aren’t the only ones who go into rehab. Why, I myself once spent several weekends in the Minor Addiction Wing of the Betty Ford Center. The little monkey I had on my back was salt; I was using the salt shaker so much that I nearly developed a repetitive stress injury. Some of the other problems that people were getting help with included caffeine, video games and in one very sad case, Vicks VapoRub.We all knew that the other people there with “serious” drug and alcohol problems were always making fun of us…referring to us “amateurs” and “minor leaguers” but we ignored them and bravely fought our tiny demons.
Although today I am salt free, it has not been easy. As recently as six months ago I nearly had a relapse. If not for dedicated people like my counselor (who I’ll just call “Rick”) I would surely have descended back into that white, crystalline hell. Here is a transcription of the late-night phone call that saved my life…
A telephone rings
Rick: (in a groggy voice) Hello?
TDB: Hey Rick, it’s me.
Rick: TDB? Do you know that’s it’s almost 3:00 am?
TDB: Yeah, I know and I’m sorry, but I’ve hit a really rough patch. I can’t even sleep, the craving has gotten so bad it’s causing me to have these weird…almost erotic dreams.
Rick: What are you talking about?
TDB: Ok, take the last one for instance. I was walking away from the smoldering ruins of an ancient city when I run smack into Lot’s wife…
Rick: Wait, you mean that woman from the bible who was turned into a pillar of salt?
TDB: Yeah, that’s the one. Anyway, there she was, a beautiful, female shaped block of salt glittering in the sun…
Rick: Well, that doesn’t really sound all that erotic…
TDB: That’s because I haven’t told you about the licking yet…
Rick: Ok, Ok! I get the picture!
TDB: If you think that’s freaky you should have seen who was in my dream the night before. Do you that girl on the Morton Salt label?
Rick: Uh…yes…
TDB: Her mother.
Rick: Well, that’s a relief.
TDB: I’m an addict Rick…not a pervert.
Rick: Yeah, ok. Look, have you got any Mrs. Dash in your apartment?
TDB: I always do.
Rick: Good, that should get you through the what’s left of the night. Come by my office around 7:00 and we’ll talk then. Alright?
TDB: Thanks Rick, by the way, did you hear about Freddy?
Rick: The guy with the NyQuil problem? Did he fall off the wagon again?
TDB: Big time. After binging for three days he stopped by a pharmacy to buy more and he tried to pay for it with those “coins” you get at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Rick: Listen, just because Freddy had a relapse doesn’t mean you will. I’ll see you in the morning.
TDB: Goodnight Rick.
So I hung up the phone and somehow made it through the night. Thankfully, there haven’t been any close calls since then. I’m working on a screenplay based on my experiences. It will be called either “The Devil’s Condiment” or “Please Pass the Salt…to Someone Else!”…I might even make it a musical.
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13 comments:
Man, that's hilarious. I loved the bit about Lot's wife!
I think you might be the humor-blogs.com Featured Blogger in the near future....
Thanks Diesel. I'm glad to see humor-blogs.com doing so well.
Man, I'm sorry to hear about your salt thing. Me? It's mustard. In a shameless display of cowardice, I wrote about it like it was someone else.
http://blog-of-stupid.blogspot.com/2006/05/devotional-of-doom.html
Okay. So that link didn't work, did it?
http://blog-of-stupid.blogspot.com/
2006/05/devotional-of-doom.html
I'm bad at this.
I too thought that the Lot's wife thing was good. She's not good for you though, you know that? High in sodium. Not good with kids. Hates dogs.
Hey thanks FooDaddy, always glad to know I'm not alone. Careful with that mustard dude, you that French's is a gateway to the harder stuff...like Grey Poupon.
I am addicted to mayonnaise. I put it on everything. salted mayonnaise is even better! You oughta try it!
Hey Jaesoreal, between you, me and FooDaddy, we've got most of the major condiments covered.
tasty post, TDB. so glad you managed to, er, lick this problem, my friend, and i truly hope you can continue your journey through the salt-free path you're on. keep it simple, sailor (KISS), and you'll make it over the poorly seasoned rough spots, one bland day at a time. xox
Thanks for your support Neva...and for what may be the punniest comment ever!
Okay, that was over the top, TD-BB. Got here thanks to Diesel's contest. Never would have found you. The pillar did it for me. I was teeteringly close to death just prior to that, but when I hit the pillar bit, it was over. It was the coup de gras (and I'm not talking about a Chevy parked out on the lawn, either).
And it didn't stop. The NyQuil guy further riddled my body with laughter.
You not only killed me. You mutilated me, then frappee'ed me. I bow to you on blended knee.
You rule.
Thanks Gawpo. Who knew humor could be so violent?
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