Sunday, January 14, 2007

I will survive...not!

I am a lifelong urbanite whose nearest claim to a “wilderness adventure” involves running away from a couple of overly aggressive and possibly rabid squirrels.

Perhaps, that is why I find myself fascinated by a television show called “Man vs Wild”. The premise of the show is that each week the star of the show, a man who goes by the almost comically macho name of Bear Grylls, is unceremoniously dropped from a plane or helicopter into some remote and hostile natural environment. Then with the aid of usually nothing more than a knife and flint, he must survive how ever many days it takes him to find his way back to civilization.

As I’ve watched him endure the various hardships involved in surviving in the wilderness, I've often wondered just how much I could take…what would the breaking point at which I would just give up and die. Well, thanks to Mr. Grylls I now know…and it involves elephant dung.

In one particular episode Mr. Grylls finds himself in Kenya without a sign of water anywhere, while the merciless sun beats down on him. Not to worry he says, because he knows an old trick he learned in the military that just might save your life in this kind of situation. He then proceeds to lift a large chunk of fresh elephant dung and drinks the liquid that flows as he squeezes it.

Now, I have seen many other shows about people surviving while lost in the wilderness, but I had never seen anyone use that little maneuver before. Up until that point I thought I might have reached my limit for survival when I watched Mr. Grylls eat an uncooked egg straight from the nest or when he helped himself to a little meat from the leg of a fresh zebra carcass…but I wasn’t absolutely sure. Hey, maybe raw zebra meat doesn’t taste that bad.

However, I’m sure that none of us are in any doubt about the taste of the fluids from elephant crap and the expression on Mr. Grylls face spoke volumes indeed. So now I know that if Bear Grylls and I were ever lost together in Kenya without any water, while he’s off having a swig of freshly squeezed Dumbo juice, I’ll be busy digging a hole in the ground for him to bury me in after I’ve died of dehydration.

I only hope that he’ll bury me whole and not decide to dine on one of my legs…but I wouldn’t put it past him.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm with you - there are worse things than dying!

Anonymous said...

Ewww. Although it doesn't sound bad when you call it "Dumbo Juice." Now with 100% of the daily recommended amount of vitamin C!

Anonymous said...

Eeeeew.

I'd be willing to do a lot of things for survival but "Dumbo Juice." Well...a girl has to draw the line somewhere.

I have to admit I'm a fan of Survivorman. I now know how to trap catfish and turtles if I'm ever stranded in a swamp. Because, y'know, there are a lot of swamps around me.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

csl- Welcome and I'm glad you agree.

diesel- And it's not just for breakfast anymore.

jenna- I've seen Survivorman as well, and if those are the kinds of things they do normally, I can't wait to see what they'll do if the competition between their shows heats up.

Anonymous said...

Then with the aid of usually nothing more than a knife and flint, he must survive how ever many days it takes him to find his way back to civilization.

A knife and flint?? What a stinking wussie! Jeez!

Oh ... and that elephant dung trick -- sleight-of-hand. He had a water bottle up his sleeve the whole time.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Sleight of hand you say...I bet you he learned it from that bastard David Copperfield!

Say No to Crack said...

Ever notice that they never have a "woman vs. wild" type show? Or even something like "kids vs. sharks", or "sleep deprived moms vs. whiny 2 year olds and door to door salesman".

I'd probably watch them.
Anita ;)

The Drive-by Blogger said...

I have noticed that Anita and that "kids vs. sharks" idea is absolutely FOX network material.

Anonymous said...

Does this only work with Elephant dung? Could he not have used his own dung and squeezed it? Just a thought!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

You know, he never did mention his own dung, but in another episode that took place in the desert, he did urinate on his tee-shirt and used to cover his head.

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That's one clever little bitch! said...

I missed that episode. I can't help but think, when watching that show, that because there are people there filming him, he's probably not in as much trouble as he seems to be. I mean do you think the camera men had to sign contracts saying "We will let him die rather than share some of the crackers and juice boxes we're snacking on." ?