Saturday, January 06, 2007

Ponderous ponderings...

During the first month of every New Year it has long been my custom to fill up my favorite hookah with all the needles that fell off the Christmas tree, sit back, contentedly puff away and just ruminate on things in general. Here then, are some of the things that wafted through my mind on a cloud of pine scented smoke:

There are a lot of cleaning products that talk about killing bacteria, but not one of them tells you what to do with all those tiny corpses.

Pat Robertson recently predicted something terrible would take place in the U.S. late in 2007. Although he didn’t specify exactly what, my personal theory is that some evil power has started to clone Geraldo Rivera.

A 67 year-old woman gave birth to twins recently…I guess the upside to that is all those wrinkles should hide any stretch marks. On the downside, if she develops an incontinence problem the diaper bills will be enormous.

As computers play an ever-larger role in our lives, will emoticons ever find their way on to people’s tombstones? You know, something like: John Doe, Born 1924 :)- Died 1996:(

Lately, a lot of my junk e-mail has to do with the importance of keeping a clean colon. I don’t know…it sounds like a load of crap to me.

How about that case where a doctor is being sued by one of his patients over a botched penis extension operation. It seems that not only does “it” not function now, it’s actually smaller than it was before the operation. I wonder if anyone has bought the movie rights to this story…I can see it either as a drama with Sean Penn or a comedy starring Jim Carrey, either way it’s got box office gold written all over it.

Every year the post office gets thousands of letters from children to Santa. I think it’s about time that the post office started sending back form letters in Santa’s name. They could read something like this:

Dear Child,
Thank you for your interest in Christmas. Unfortunately, we are not looking to add to our naughty or nice list at this time. Please feel free to apply again next year.
Santa Claus
North Pole Enterprises

Trans fats are actually being outlawed in some places…maybe I’m paranoid but can butter be far behind. All I’m sayin’ is that they can take my butter when they pry it from my cold, dead and clogged arteries.

Here’s a little tip if you ever find yourself having to write one of those family newsletters: Get your medical terms straight! It turns out that some one who has that condition that keeps their blood from clotting is in fact a hemophiliac, not a necrophiliac. That reminds me, I have to go write a letter of apology to my grandfather. Have a great 2007!


Anonymous said...

How long do I have to wait to send in my "Dear Santa" letter to get the naughty one in return? And what's that address again?

Anonymous said...

I love the emoticons one. :D

The Drive-by Blogger said...

jenna- just between us, old Santa keeps a special separate list, as he puts it "just for the ladies". Oh, and if he ever asks you to sit on his lap...don't.

diesel- thanks D. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me to see it happen.

Anonymous said...

Well *that* doesn't sound like much fun, TDB. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Great post Drive-by. Enough here for more than one!

Stop hogging and pass that hookah ... we use artificial trees, so I have no needles to puff.

And I think Robertson was referring to a kiss-kiss make-up between Rosie and the Donald. Good God that would be awful.

Michelle said...

How do you really know if it kills all the bacteria?

It sure is easy to make claims if the results are invisible to the naked eye (just ask any teenager).

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I stumbled across your blog here--you're awfully funny. These observations remind me of the comedian Steven Wright a little bit. And I agree, the emoticon one is hilarious. Keep smoking those pine needles and pondering. The world needs your thoughts on colons.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Dan- you're right to avoid smoking those artificial trees...the damn things just won't stay lit.

Michelle- personally, I always call in a microscopic coroner. The death certificates are hard to read but they're worth it.

Jocelyn- thank you, I'm glad you stumbled across this blog too and a comparison to any comedian who isn't Michael Richards is nice to hear.

Anonymous said...

Your poor grandfather!

As for the butter, I asked my son yesterday if he wanted popcorn and he said, "I require a certain amount of butter." Me, too, baby.