Sunday, January 21, 2007

Give till it hurts...

When I read that Karl Kemp, an antiques dealer from New York, had filed a million-dollar lawsuit against several homeless people and claim that “it was for their own good” I said to myself “Hey TDB, why aren’t you involved in some great humanitarian cause like suing the homeless”? To which I replied “Shut up and mind your own damn business!” I would have continued the verbal abuse a little longer, but I was already getting funny looks from the other people in the elevator.

Upon further reflection however, I realized that the voice in my head had been right. I needed to find a way to give something back to the community, but with my days already filled with cataloging my extensive snow globe collection, dragging someone into court was out of the question. So I put together this list of sorely overlooked charity organizations and their mottoes…

Al Queda’s Kids: “No child left unarmed”

The March of Diamonds: “Helping the rich get richer for over a century”

Dollars for Derelicts: “Because booze don’t pay for itself”

The Michael Richards Segregationist Society: “Give use money or we’ll stick a fork up your ass”

Huggy Bear’s Home for Retired Pimps: “Where our money at bitch?”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Bacteria: “Penicillin is murder”

Habitat for Humanatees: “Providing homes for the unholy spawn of manatees and lonely sailors…or would you rather have these crimes against nature living with you?”

The Bill Clinton Home for Wayward Girls: “Clinton not allowed on premises”

Save the Whalers: “Harpooners do it better”

The Annex Canada Now Foundation: “Think of all the extra parking space”

Nobel committee… the ball is now in your court.

Listed on


Anonymous said...

Dude, start giving away those snow globes to the homeless and help arm those Al Qaeda kids.

You will feel much better about yourself.

Anonymous said...

Drive-By - You kill me. Habitat for Humanatees? Priceless. Now I remember why I invited you to be part of my little "experiment." Mwuhahahahahaha!

BTW, your site seems to take a really long time to load for some reason. Maybe it's just blogspot, but other blogspot sites don't seem to have the problem. Weird.

Anonymous said...

The Annex Canada Now Foundation: “Think of all the extra parking space”

HEEEEEEY!!!!!!! *glares*

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Dan- Well, maybe the ones with the asbestos snow flakes...I've been meaning to get rid of those anyway.

Disel- Thanks, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm still using the old blogger.I may have to make the switch.

Jenna- You know the only reason I would support annexing Canada would be to get close to you.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Like I believe that!

Yeah update will ya?

Anonymous said...

You're a sporadic blogger, aren't you? But I like the posts so I keep checking back. These are good - although I'm pretty sure the March of Diamonds exists by other names.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

CSL- thanks for coming back.Yep, lately it's down to about one post a week, usually on the weekend.

Anonymous said...

The Save the Whalers foundation lost a ton of momentum when they moved out of Hartford, landed in Carolina, became the Hurricanes, and won the Stanley Cup last year.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can help fund the highway strip for strippers foundation. They're giving back where they're giving back!

Anonymous said...

I was moved to tears as I read about these tragically neglected organs. However, at the risk of invoking compassion fatigue I feel compelled to add these others to your worthy roster:

Quail Hunters' Society: "Chevy Suburbans Don't Grow On Trees".

American Idol Rejects Defense Fund: "Help Bring Simon Cowell To Justice"

Paris Hilton Outreach: "Family Fortunes Aren't That Reliable"

Thank you.

Say No to Crack said...

Dollars for Derelicts - now THAT was funny. Great post!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Joel B- Whalers turning into hurricanes? Must have something to do with global warming.

Jae- I always give as much as I can to support strippers...usally one dollar bill at a time.

somewhere joe- worthy causes all, and come to think of it "compassion fatigue" might be worthy of a telethon itself.

Say No to Crack- Thank you.

That's one clever little bitch! said...

I feel like I'd have to give money to each and every one of these causes.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Y'know those "...For Dummies" books? Take ones with titles like "Puppies for Dummies" and "Sex for Dummies".

Those sound like charities too. I'd happily donate to Puppies for Dummies. Dummies deserve pets too! They're just like us. Except dumb.