When I read that Karl Kemp, an antiques dealer from New York, had filed a million-dollar lawsuit against several homeless people and claim that “it was for their own good” I said to myself “Hey TDB, why aren’t you involved in some great humanitarian cause like suing the homeless”? To which I replied “Shut up and mind your own damn business!” I would have continued the verbal abuse a little longer, but I was already getting funny looks from the other people in the elevator.
Upon further reflection however, I realized that the voice in my head had been right. I needed to find a way to give something back to the community, but with my days already filled with cataloging my extensive snow globe collection, dragging someone into court was out of the question. So I put together this list of sorely overlooked charity organizations and their mottoes…
Al Queda’s Kids: “No child left unarmed”
The March of Diamonds: “Helping the rich get richer for over a century”
Dollars for Derelicts: “Because booze don’t pay for itself”
The Michael Richards Segregationist Society: “Give use money or we’ll stick a fork up your ass”
Huggy Bear’s Home for Retired Pimps: “Where our money at bitch?”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Bacteria: “Penicillin is murder”
Habitat for Humanatees: “Providing homes for the unholy spawn of manatees and lonely sailors…or would you rather have these crimes against nature living with you?”
The Bill Clinton Home for Wayward Girls: “Clinton not allowed on premises”
Save the Whalers: “Harpooners do it better”
The Annex Canada Now Foundation: “Think of all the extra parking space”
Nobel committee… the ball is now in your court.
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