I recently saw a commercial on television that took me by surprise. It was for a product called Bayer Complete Insect Killer…that’s Bayer as in Bayer aspirin. Now, I don’t know about anyone else but I found it very strange to think that a company that I’ve always associated with pain relief is also selling products that kill…even if it’s just lawn destroying insects.
I don’t know if selling products completely unrelated to what a company is most well know for is common practice or the wave of the future. But in my usual delusional desire to get a piece of the action, I’ve come up with a list of product ideas that some well known companies might want to consider…
Martha Stewart Living OmniMedia Mortuary Services: Perfume scented embalming fluids and pastel colored caskets…they’re a good thing.
Hallmark’s Blended Scotch Whiskey: Because only a maudlin drunk would be moved by the "poetry" printed on those cards.
Mrs. Butterworth’s Home Pregnancy Test: If it turns blue you’re pregnant, if it turns red you’re not and if it turns a golden brown it’s time for pancakes.
Fisher-Price Body Armor: Brightly colored, washable and able to stop anything up to a 45-caliber bullet.
Chanel Mace No.5: Really sends a message to that obnoxious blind date that you’re not interested.
Ferrari’s Male Enhancement Pills: Because lets face it…if you bought one of these cars, then you probably need them.
Exxon Plant Fertilizer: Finally…a use for all those animals killed by those huge oil spills.
Quaker Oat’s Quick Drying Cement: If you’ve ever tried to get oatmeal out of a bowl after it’s hardened, you know this idea is a natural.
Goodyear’s Steel Belted Condoms: When you REALLY can’t afford any "accidents".
Pillsbury’s Weight Lifting Equipment: Of course, that pudgy, out of shape mascot Poppin’ Fresh has to get buff or get out. Maybe he could benefit from Folgers Anabolic Steroid Crystals: Just add water.
Remember corporate America, as always, all I’m asking for is ten percent and an office with a window…