Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dear diary...

It occurred to me that the tantalizing view into my soul in my previous post may have left readers more curious than ever about me (stop shaking your head no and just play along). So to give you some idea of a typical day in my life, I present a page from my diary…

I awake at the crack of dawn after a good night’s sleep…or was it another sleepless night spent smoking crack till dawn? Probably the former, anyway, I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock for another hour or two of sleep.

11:40 am: OK…I forgot I don’t own an alarm clock, just one of those little devices that replicates the sounds of the ocean. That might explain all those nightmares about drowning.

11:45 am: Jump into the shower.

11:46 am: Discovering there's no hot water I jump out of the shower, shrieking loudly as I do so.

11:48 am: Answer the door wrapped in a towel and explain to my 78-year-old neighbor, the widow Jansen, what had happened and apologize for screaming as though someone was trying to murder me.

11:50 am: Politely turn down the widow Jansen’s offer to check me for "cold water trauma", apparently a little know hazard that she says killed her first husband.

12:02 pm: To the kitchen to make breakfast or brunch or whatever the hell you want to call it. Bacon, eggs and an English muffin has always been my favorite breakfast…at least it was the last time I could afford all that stuff…so a bowl of Cocoa Puffs it is.

12:10 pm: Sat down at the computer for my next online ukulele lesson from the Don Ho institute.

12:30 pm: Turn on the TV and start flicking from channel to channel every thirty seconds or so as usual thanks to my ever decreasing attention span.

4:25 pm: Drop the remote and run to the kitchen to put ice on my thumb, which feels like it’s on fire. Worry that I might have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

4:55 pm: Stop by the office of my friend who is a doctor…ok, he’s a proctologist but without insurance I don’t have a lot of options. He reluctantly takes a look at my hand and tells me it’s not serious, probably just a cramp. After I insist on something for the pain he finally writes me a prescription and I head to the pharmacy.

5:10 pm: Halfway to the drugstore I read the prescription he gave me and it says " one Band-Aid for the big baby". Some friend…I consider reporting him to the AMA.

5:33 pm: Stop at Momma Nuchek’s Coleslaw Emporium to pick up dinner.

6:42 pm: Read a few chapters of "Yoga for the Semi-invalid" by Yogi Parahansagraba.

8:02 pm: Check phone messages…just two, both from the widow Jansen. Sort through 284 e-mails, all spam, and then stare at computer screen while trying to think of something to post on my blog.

9:47 pm: Wake up with a jolt, wipe drool off keyboard and promise myself I will definitely think of something to write tomorrow.

10:25 pm: Make myself a nightcap of NyQuil and ginger ale and stagger off to bed. It’s been a full day and the crack of dawn awaits…


puppytoes said...

wow...that's some life, there, drive-by! glad to see you're so careful about that nutritional intake -- cocoa puffs? coleslaw? nyquil/ginger ale? mmmmm (as long as it's cherry-flavored nyquil & you're puttin' milk on those cocoa puffs, i'm thinkin' you've got every food group covered!)

and with the widow jansen around, at least your sex life isn't suffering, either...or it wouldn't if you'd return those calls! (cold water trauma sounds serious/scary) oh, and for that remote-control induced thumb burn? we highly recommend dr. burt's balm (it did wonders for my husband!) hee hee: D

Joel said...

You have made me laugh (out loud no less)and for that I'm uncharacteristic laughter spurred the curiousity of a co-worker who discovered the source of my amusement, decided to share it with his cousin via email who in turn passed it along to her sister-in-law who happens to be my boss's wife's niece and the mommy to a charming if not slightly precoscious six year old...well, I think you can see where this is going, right? So the boss, prompted by some world class nagging from his wife and lacking an offspring of his own and yet wanting to set a good example, brings said niece's daughter to "bring your daughter to work day." Said little girl, bored and being babysat by the boss's computer remembers mommy's story about a funny website, finds said site and begins laughing and hysterically. The ruckus interrupts a very important board meeting taking place in an adjacent conference room, sends boss running back to his office with the intention of pumpling said little girl who confronted by the threat of said angry boss gladly relates the story of how she came upon said website which caused said ruckus, tracing said discovery right back to yours truly who is summarily dismissed without notice on the spot. Given said dismissal I feel I have no other recourse but to file suit against you for something...the exact nature of said suit is not important right now, we'll figure it out as we go...and as such have retained the law firm of Abott & Koostello to pursue said claim (tbd).
Sorry...had a few minutes to kill before my next meeting...truly great post!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

You got that right about nutrition puppytoes...Jack Lalanne has got nothin' on me.

Thanks Joel, glad to know you're kidding about the lawsuit cause I still owe a lot of mone to my attorneys Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
(my apologies to the ghosts of the Three Stooges for that one)

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