Wednesday, July 25, 2007

AntisocialCommentary Release Party

I simply can’t tell you how many people have come up to me and asked if I knew where they could buy a funny book. Ok... it was just one person…one really old guy at a bus stop. At least, I think that’s what he said…he might have actually mumbled something about me standing on his foot, but my bus had arrived and I was off.

What was I talking about now? Oh right, books! It turns out I do know where to buy a funny book and it was written by our good friend and fellow blogger Diesel, over at Mattress Police.

It’s a collection of the best of his blog and bonus material you can only get with the book. According to Diesel, “AntisocialCommentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police” will be published on August 15, but for a limited time you can pre-order a signed copy at a significantly discounted price.

So, hurry on down to Mattress Police and order yourself a copy. Then if some old geezer asks you where he can find a funny book, you can let him have it. The information, not the book…let him buy his own damn copy.

Friday, July 20, 2007

"He's a page right out of history"...

By now you’ve all probably seen those Geico commercials featuring those often offended cavemen and you’ve probably also heard the rumors that they will be getting their own TV show.

Well, while the world waits with baited breath for that epic television event, I’ve been lucky enough to snag an interview with the original Stone Age star, the one and only, Fred Flintstone…

TDB: Welcome Fred, and thanks for stopping by.

FF: Yabba Dabba…

TDB: Let me stop you right there Fred. I talked to some people at Hanna-Barbera, and it turns out you can’t use that phrase in any public forum.

FF: But that was my catch phrase…I came up with that!

TDB: Yeah, but your contract at the time gave them all rights to anything connected to the show, you know “intellectual property” and all that. It’s kind of technical, so don’t worry your little Stone Age head about it.

FF: Look, can we just get this over with? I’ve got to call my lawyer!

TDB: Ha ha, there’s the old hotheaded Fred we all remember. So Fred, as the first “caveman” to make it big on television, are you pleased by the success of your prehistoric brethren?

FF: Not really…let me set you straight on a couple of things blog-boy. First of all, I’m pretty sure those guys are Neanderthals, while I’m Cro-Magnon all the way baby! I didn’t even know there were any of those mouth breathers still around.

TDB: Well, we were all a little surprised by that. Some scientists say that there was a lot of interbreeding between the two groups…any truth to that?

FF: Yeah, there was some, but not me. Personally, I find excessive body hair and large ridge brows a real turn off, but Barney Rubble didn’t seem to mind it. Of course, you could say that old Barney never met a species he didn’t “like”…if you know what I mean.

TDB: I think I do…and thanks for burning that image into my brain.

FF: Anyway, another thing that’s different about these guys is that they all seem to be college educated, white-collar types and they’re always having some kind of hissy fit. On our show we were blue-collar guys who wanted nothing more out of life than to come home after a hard days work, bang the wife and then go bowling…it was beautiful.

TDB: Well, especially when you’ve got a wife that looks like Wilma, eh? Now that I think about it, you’re one in a long series of TV husbands who benefited from what I call the “Ralph Kramden” factor. You know, loud, obnoxious fat guys with inexplicably hot wives. First there was Jackie Gleason, then you and now there are guys like Jim Belushi and Kevin James…it’s really kind of bizarre.

FF: (awkward pause) How would you like a knuckle sandwich, pal?!

TDB: Easy there big guy, watch your blood pressure. Why don’t you fill us in on the rest of the cast. How are they?

FF: Dead, mostly. Barney was the fist to go, but at least they named an entire wing after him at the Bedrock VD Clinic and Research Facility. Betty died next after years of working as a conservationist. With her it was always, save the Mastodon, save the Saber Toothed tiger or save the Dodo. Crazy broad…never could pick a winner.

Wilma is a widow living in Florida, where she puts on a weekly burlesque show at the Old Soldiers Home.

TDB: And the kids on the show?

FF: Well, Pebbles grew up and married the head of some cult and was never heard from again. Bamm-Bamm fell into a life of crime, killed someone and was sent to the gas chamber.

TDB: You had the gas chamber way back then?

FF: Yeah, he was put into a windowless room with a Wooly Mammoth that had been fed nothing but beans and cabbages for a week…

TDB: I should have seen that coming. Fred…it’s been great talking to you, any final thoughts?

FF: Yeah…Yabba Dabba...


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Friday, July 06, 2007

I beg your pardon...

As far as this blog goes, I tend to avoid politics like the plague. However, occasionally a bit of political news filters through my defenses…I’m never happy about it, but it happens.

Take for example the recent news item about President Bush and whether he would or wouldn’t pardon some dude named “Scooter” Libby (turns out he didn’t, but he did commute his prison sentence).

Now, I have no idea why the president has that power or what induced him to use it in this particular case…other than he figured that a grown man going through life with a name like “Scooter" had been punished enough.

Anyway, according to my good friend the eminent scholar Monty Dingham Smythington, it turns out that the constitution gives the president other, rarely heard of powers as well. Here are just a few…

He can compel all citizens to bathe once a year, whether they need it or not. (Hey, they had different ideas about hygiene back then)

In case of a nation wide famine the president reserves the right to resort to cannibalism, but the victims, thereafter to be known as “sacrificial patriots”, must be chosen from his own political party.

In the event of an invasion by a foreign power, the president can commandeer any and all horses, carriages and women’s clothing necessary to get him to safely to Canada. Unless of course that foreign power is Canada…stop laughing, it could happen.

The president can preside over any trial in which the defendant or plaintiff is a “saucy tavern wench”. (It’ seems that Ben Franklin insisted on that one)

He can force all members of congress to take part in a rousing game of “Simon says”, the loser of which has to mow the White House lawn.

And finally, the president is the one and only, “official bikini inspector” of these United States. (Most scholars think that this one wasn’t originally part of the constitution, but was written in by someone during the Kennedy administration)

You know, sometimes you just have to wonder if the “founding fathers” might have been wearing their wigs a little too tight.

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