Monday, March 06, 2006

Star power...

I think most of us have the impression that celebrities can be a little spoiled, but until the Internet came along, I had no idea how true that is. It turns out that many performers have what is called a rider, which is a list of things that they require and it can cover everything from food to the d├ęcor of their dressing room. You can find many on The Smoking Gun website, but here are some that I…er, just discovered myself:

THE ROLLING STONES: one industrial grade defibrillator and six gallons of embalming fluid. At least four coffins containing consecrated soil and under no circumstances are garlic, crosses or wooden stakes to be allowed in the dressing rooms.

BRUCE WILLIS: a large Ashton Kutcher dartboard (this is to be kept TOP SECRET…if Demi asks deny everything. All personnel around Mr. Willis are to be informed that NO reference to Hudson Hawk must ever be made in his presence. Finally, due to past unpleasantness, one extra guard must be hired and put on constant Cybill Shepherd patrol.

BILLY JOEL: three or four disposable cars. At least two people to repeatedly reassure him that’s it’s ok that he produced a lot of crap after marrying Christie Brinkley…after all who can concentrate when you’re married to a supermodel? His manager also requests a razor and shaving cream to be left in Mr. Joel’s dressing room in case he decides to “shave off that goddamned Mitch Miller looking goatee.”

HOWARD STERN: Mr. Stern will require a large assortment of strippers, dwarves, mentally challenged individuals and lesbians. As for parasitic, brown nosing sycophants that laugh at everything he says, Mr. Stern will provide his own.

MADONNA: enough copies of the book “Kabbalah for Dummies” for her entire entourage. A separate dressing room and a case of antidepressants for her acting coach. In keeping with her current incarnation as a respectable married woman, all personnel around Madonna will refrain from asking her to autograph any old copies of her SEX book or to demonstrate her deepthroat techniques on a water bottle.

TOM CRUISE: the walls of Mr. Cruise’s dressing room are to be covered with the Church of Scientology’s official L.Ron Hubbard wall paper. No one over the height of five feet and seven inches is to stand close to Tom when photographers are present. Any mirrors in the dressing room must be newly manufactured and come directly from the factory. Mr. Cruise has been known to break out in hives after having unknowingly used mirrors that have been soiled by the reflections of other people.

1 comment:

Dick Masterson said...

I actually thought you were serious until I got to Bruce Willis.