Thursday, March 16, 2006

History revisited...

If I could go back in time, I think I would like to meet Alexander Graham Bell…and smack him in the head with his newly invented telephone, or at least interrupt his dinner by trying to sell him something.

Of course, there are many other historical figures that have annoyed me in some way. Here are just a few, along with the revenge I would take if I could…

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE: I would have this self-proclaimed "emperor" shot out of one of his own canons, partly for plunging Europe into war, but mostly for giving short men a bad name.

GUTZON BORGLUM: Yeah, I know…Gutzon who? He was the sculptor who defaced Mount Rushmore with those absurdly large presidential heads, for which I would imprison him for one year in Teddy Roosevelt’s left nostril.

NOSTRADAMUS: The sixteenth century crackpot…er, I mean astrologer who wrote a book full of vague and obscure "prophecies" that many modern crackpots, excuse me, I mean "star gazers" still believe to be true. To get even with Nostradamus I would probably arrange for him to discover his wife in bed with a group of wandering troubadours, at which point I would turn to him and shout "You didn’t see that one coming, now did you Nostry old boy?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Since it was basically his poor sense of direction that eventually led to my having to study about him in school, I would tattoo a very small but accurate map on his forehead and make him stop for directions every time he walked more than twenty feet.

MOSES: As I see it, by performing tricks like turning his staff into a snake, turning the waters of the Nile River into blood and parting the Red Sea, Moses is responsible for starting a tradition that would eventually result in cheesy Las Vegas magic acts like David Copperfield and Siegfried and Roy. To even things out I would subject him to forty days of Wayne Newton concerts. No wait…make it forty minutes, I don’t want to over do it. After all, they say he has friends in high places.

2 comments:

puppytoes said...

wasn't gutzon borglum punished enough? i mean... gutzon? borglum?? a sculptor by any other name...

as for columbus... i say the man was a poser -- and a syphilis infected one, at that! (and let's not forget his sage recommendations regarding the natives..."such passive people will be easily enslaved? yikes!) not only was he a lousy navigator, he was not a very bad man! we spit on his...er... no-longer-syphilis-infected grave.

alexander graham bell was an uncle a couple of times removed...but since he left the "removed" part of his family nothing, i say... screw him.

your brain scares/fascinates me...

The Drive-by Blogger said...

I've always been fascinated by the idea of relatives who are "removed", of course that's probably just because I can think of a few relatives of mine that I'd like to have "removed".

"your brain scares/fascinates me..."
That makes two of us...