The gentleman in the photograph goes by the name of Bello. He is appearing with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus in a show called “Bellobration”. Now, judging from his bizarre haircut and the fact that he is apparently some kind of clown/acrobat daredevil, I was wondering if this had anything to do with the popularity of the Cirque du Soleil.They also have people with weird hair doing strange combinations of things and they’ve been very successful…maybe too successful for even the biggest of traditional circuses to ignore.If so, I just want the people at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey to know that I’m here to help. It just so happens that in my spare time I am the business manager of several world class, cutting edge circus acts, all of whom happen to be “between engagements”. For a very reasonable price I can make available to them performers like…Lars Nostrom the Frozen Swordfish Swallower: Lars began his career in Sweden as a conventional sword swallower before coming up with the brilliant idea of using a live swordfish instead. While recovering from the operation to repair the lacerations to his throat he came up with the even better idea of using only frozen swordfish instead.Gunter Holbein, Extreme Lion Tamer: Audiences will be stunned and amazed as this dashing Teutonic tamer of big cats puts his lions through their paces armed only with a feather duster, while wearing a suit made entirely from beef. In Berlin his show was held over for an additional six weeks…ok, actually it was just Gunter that was held for six weeks and that was for a court ordered psychiatric evaluation, but he’s available now!The Amazing Borini Family, the World’s Only Blind Trapeze Act: Hailing from a small mountain village straddling the border of Italy and France, all the members of this family have been blind as far back as anyone can remember. They seem to have developed some kind of echo locating ability unique to themselves…ok, really they’re just yelling at each other constantly, but it seems to work…most of the time.Bippy Leather Stockings: This mysterious clown from parts unknown is a clinically diagnosed schizophrenic with sadomasochistic tendencies who always gets howls of laughter as he whips himself with a cat-o' nine tails while begging himself not to stop...always a favorite with the kids.Just imagine all those acts under one roof…now that’s entertainment.
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Generally speaking, I don’t consider myself to be an idiot, but there are many things in the world that I do not understand, many things that puzzle and befuddle me. Here are a few of the questions that have recently been crawling around the junkyard of my mind…How was it that Albert Einstein was smart enough to come up with the theory of relativity but apparently couldn’t figure out how to use a comb?Why don’t animal species in which the males can lick their own “private parts” quickly become extinct? Because I’m pretty sure if human males ever develop that ability that’s exactly what will happen.Why life doesn’t come with a soundtrack? I mean, even the dullest existence could be made more bearable with the right music.Do the people who make picket signs have a union and if they go on strike what do they carry while picketing?Aren’t casinos really just weight loss centers for your wallet?Do werewolves have to deal with flea and tick infestation…and does anyone make a collar for that?Will Alec Baldwin’s angry tirade at his daughter keep him from ever landing that most prestigious of all hosting gigs…Nickelodeon's Kid Choice Awards?Did anyone but me think that MC Escher was a rapper from Europe?Black holes, wormholes…who would have thought that the universe would so closely resemble a hunk of Swiss cheese?Why didn’t edible underwear ever become a part of everyone’s daily wardrobe? Oh wait, I do understand that one…ewww!By the way, my fellow blogger Diesel, over at Mattress Police, is having a caption contest and yours truly is in the running. So if you are so inclined head over there and have a gander and maybe even vote…for um, you know, whoever.Listed on humor-blogs.com
Recently, I was completely surprised by an article that said that the chimpanzee that played “Cheetah” in the old Tarzan movies was still alive and had just turned 75 years old…75!If you had asked me prior to this how long chimps usually live, I might have guessed 40 or 50 years, 60 at the absolute most, but not 75. Anyway, why would you be asking me…who am I, Jane Goodall?Just think of all the things this geriatric simian has seen... World War Two, the moon landing and the Chia Pet. I wonder if he bores his grandchildren with stories about how tough things were when he was just a chimpling…chimpet? Whatever the hell you call a very young chimp. Or does he view the past through rose colored bifocals and go on and on about how much bigger and sweeter bananas were in his day.Maybe someone should hire a pet psychic to “interview” him and find out if he has any great stories about the golden age of Hollywood, or if he has any response to those rumors about his alleged attraction to men in loincloths.No…I suppose it would be best just to leave this elderly, hirsute thespian to his memories. I just hope that the people who give out the Oscars have taken note and are preparing some kind of lifetime achievement award or at least a star on that Hollywood walk of fame, I mean after all, they just gave one to Eric Estrada…Happy Birthday Cheetah!Listed on
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From time to time, I like to look back in time and honor the great, unsung heroes of history. People like Le Petomane and Nicholas Cugnot or the man we are focusing on today, Jonas Hanway.This brave soul was the first man to walk around carrying an umbrella at a time when only women used them.
Like all people who break down barriers, Hanway at first met with a lot of resistance. Especially from the Hackney coachmen (the taxi drivers of their day) who feared that if this idea caught on it might hurt their business. Here now are a few excerpts from a journal that Hanway kept during those tumultuous days…March 3, 1750, 9:00 am:I think the modifications that I’ve made to turn a parasol into a rainproof device are complete. My “umbrella” as I call it is ready for testing on the streets of London. Never again will powdered wigs, make up and silk stockings be ruined by inclement weather…and I guess women may find it useful as well.March 3, 1750, 9:03 am:Apparently, the modifications were not complete. I seem to have underestimated the bloody wind! I’d not taken three steps from my home when a sudden gust ripped from my hand. I had to chase it for six blocks and wrest it away from a couple of filthy street urchins, one of whom tried to bite me. It’s a good thing that teeth are scarce among the lower class or I might have been injured.Clearly, I need to improve the handle, but I’m not discouraged because I believe that this idea is one for which the people of this nation will be forever thankful.March 5, 1750, 4:02 pm:Bloody ungrateful bastards! Mindless fools! Everywhere I went I was greeted by derision and laughter. From one end of London to the other it was “Lovely parasol, my lady!” or “Afraid you might melt in the rain? Made of sugar are we?”The most egregious affront to my dignity was delivered by a boorish group of Hackney coachmen. Tomorrow, I plan to seek them out and teach them a proper lesson!March 8, 1750, 11:00 am:Finally back from the hospital. The resident proctologist said he had seen a few parasol injuries before, but never one lodged quite so far up in the human body. He also said that if it had opened I would have been a goner for sure.This act of violence against my person shall not deter me. I will not stop until I have secured the right of every man in England to carry an umbrella without the risk of be insulted or injured…I will prevail!
And so he did. Eventually, his efforts to make it acceptable for men to carry umbrellas were a success. His follow up campaign to bring back the over sized codpiece…not so much.
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I hate “talk radio”…I always have. It doesn’t matter what’s being talked about, politics, sports or automotive repair, I just wish it would all go away.This recent incident with Don Imus is just further proof that “talk radio” is the work of the Devil…or at least one of his higher ranking demons. I mean, you’ve got to have some seniority to unleash that kind of evil on the world. Anyway, the only sound that should ever emanate from a radio is music…just the way the God Apollo intended.So since Imus has apparently lost his radio job the question now becomes what will replace it? If the station insists on going with something other than music, I have listed a few things that I would rather hear than “talk radio”…A dozen or so flatulent gorillas
The mournful wailing of the eternally damnedThe hacking coughs of a room full of four- pack-a-day cigarette smokersThe complete works of Shakespeare as performed by the surviving cast members of the original “Star Trek” seriesThe incessant buzzing of a swarm of West Nile virus carrying mosquitoes (actually, this might be to close too talk radio as it already exists)A series of lectures by James Lipton on the contribution made to the art of acting by the girl who played “Tootie” on the TV show “The Facts of Life”Every book on tape ever recorded…played backwards.The mating call of a Bull Moose during the height of the rutting season ( If the station can’t find a recording of this I can do a fair imitation for them…what? I can’t have a hobby?)I may hate “talk radio” but I like humor-blogs.com
Once upon a time, in a more ambitious phase of my life, I pursued my fifteen minutes of fame by trying to set a new world record…any record would do. As you might have guessed from the obscurity in which I dwell, I never did accomplish my goal, but I have jotted down a few of my more memorable attempts…Long distance tobacco juice spitting: This turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be. A pathetic dribble down my chin was about all I could manage, but the chewing tobacco did make me so sick I almost set an new world record…for projectile vomiting.Hamster juggling: I never even got to make my attempt at this one because of two elderly women from PETA who assaulted me with their protest signs.Speed tattooing: I thought I had a real shot at this record, but then the volunteers I was tattooing got all picky about things like the quality of the drawing, wanting me to use clean needles and not hitting any major arteries…people can be so self-centered.Envelope licking: I didn’t even get close to the record with this one. After just the third envelope, I suffered a tremendous paper cut across my tongue that required many stitches. Having forgotten to have any emergency medical staff on hand I was aided by an itinerate seamstress from the tiny nation of Bakstabia. Unfortunately, I think in her culture it means that we’re engaged.Most consecutive hours without sleep: In retrospect, this was a bad idea from the beginning…I need my sleep. It also turns out that sleep deprivation can lead to hallucinations and when I started imagining that I was Salome doing the dance of the Seven Veils, my attempt was pretty much over.I did get a goodnight’s sleep in jail though.
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The final words of most famous historical figures went unrecorded or if they have come down to us, always seem to express a noble or brave sentiment. Being a skeptical sort of person I’ve always had doubts about this and after a lot of extensive research I am pleased to present to you the actual last words of some history’s most notable people…George Washington: “You know, it really is true that I cannot tell a lie…but I did ‘choke the chicken’ every chance I could.”Napoleon Bonaparte: “ They have finally managed to stop me, but at least I die knowing that the world will forever live in fear of French military might!”Galileo Galilei: “Of all the wondrous discoveries I have made with my telescope, the most amazing of all is just how many women in this city get dressed with their window curtains wide open.”John Wilkes Booth: “Huh…Lincoln? You mean that wasn’t the critic from the Times who wrote that I have ‘the stage presence of a bowl of oatmeal’? Oh, crap…”Babe Ruth: “So many hookers…so little time.”Christopher Columbus: “ The Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria…I mean, could the names of those ships be any gayer?”Sigmund Freud: “Psychiatry, bah…I should have been a foot doctor like my momma wanted me to.”Davy Crockett: “Seriously…if you guys bury me in this stupid hat, I swear to God I will come back and haunt you.”Julius Caesar: “"You too, Brutus? You punk ass bitch!”Alexander the Great: “Of course I’m dying young, you try living with the stress of being called the ‘Great’…thanks a lot mom and dad!”Joan of Arc: “Do you smell smoke?”William Shakespeare: “ Alas, ‘tis the hour of my death and verily I say to thee How I devoutly wish that it was thou instead of me!”Good old Willie…a poet to the bitter end.
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A group of chimpanzees was recently discovered in Senegal, making and using sharpened sticks to hunt small mammals with.So far, no one seems alarmed by this…except perhaps our ever-vigilant Department of Homeland Security. There’s a rumor going around (or at least there will be if I have anything to say about it) that the DHS is looking into the possibility that terrorists are actually training these chimps to fight on their side against the West.Let’s face it, when you’re main strategy involves suicide bombers, you’re going to start running low on people sooner or later. But it’s not just chimps, the DHS thinks that other primates may be used as well. Here’s a list of what the DHS believes we may be facing:The Marmoset Slingshot BattalionThe Lemur Brass knuckle DivisionThe Capuchin monkey Blowgun CorpsThe Orangutan Machete Strike ForceThe Howler monkey Switchblade RegimentThe Baboon Baseball bat SquadronOf course, the DHS doesn’t know for sure when attacks by these furry terrorists might begin, so when ever you find yourself at a circus, zoo or a pet store that sells “exotic” animals…stay alert!
While reading about a recent lottery that was worth about 370 million dollars, I began thinking of previous big money lotteries and how often it seems that the people who win them have no idea how to spend the money.That would not be a problem for yours truly, so read on if you want to find out how to spend a fortune Drive-by Blogger style…Despite the facts that I don’t fish and I’ve been known to get seasick just from standing in a puddle, I would still buy the obligatory yacht. I’d just plant it on my enormous front lawn and use it as the world’s most luxurious mailbox.The grounds around my fabulous estate will be guarded by rarely fed Komodo dragons and a gigantic TV monitor will continuously show videos of previous trespassers being eaten.My mansion would actually be a group of connected buildings that spell out “poverty sucks” when seen from high above…say from the top of my radio tower for example. From which will emanate the sounds of my own radio station WTDB, where we play “whatever the hell I feel like…all the time!”Using the power of my new found wealth I will drive Joan Rivers into bankruptcy and then hire her as part of my domestic staff, just so I can force her to dress in a burlap sack and then ask her several times a day “who are you wearing?”I would gather together all of the leading Bigfoot “experts” and fund an expedition into the most remote wilderness in North America, with orders not to return until they’ve caught him. Not because I believe that Bigfoot exists…it will just be nice not to ever hear from any of those idiots again.To everyone who lives in a five-mile radius of my mansion I would offer to pay for any and all plastic surgery. Should too many of my homely neighbors fail to accept my generous offer, I would then buy up all their houses and give them as gifts to young, aspiring actresses and fashion models…just doing my part to keep America beautiful.Of course, before long I would probably be as broke as MC Hammer, but easy come, easy go…that’s just how I roll.
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Taking into account the profound historical substance of my Saint Patrick’s day post, I decided to keep things light and superficial today and there’s no better way to do that then checking out a little celebrity news…The head of the Anglican Church in Trinidad and Tobago called Elton John the “Pied Piper” of homosexuality and wants to keep him off the West Indian Island nation."His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle," the archdeacon said.Yes, because as everyone knows there’s nothing like an overweight, 59 year-old man with a bad toupee to illustrate the glamour of the gay lifestyle.
Comic book fans are mourning the death Captain America, who was gunned down by an assassin in "Captain America Vol. 5, No. 25. (ok, so he’s a fictional character, but he was still a celebrity…sort of)Personally, I wouldn’t have picked that end for Captain America. I probably would have had him humped to death by the She-Hulk…but then I’ve always been a hopeless romantic.Actor-comedian Sinbad had the last laugh after his Wikipedia entry announced he was dead, the performer said Thursday. When asked if he was upset about the mix-up, Sinbad, whose real name is David Adkins, just laughed. He has appeared in the films, "Houseguest”, "Jingle All the Way”, “First Kid” and “Good Burger”.
Oh, I see where the confusion is…with a resume like that it’s his career that died.
Pete Rose said he bet on the Cincinnati Reds ``every night'' when he was the team's manager, rather than four times a week as Major League Baseball's all- time hit leader maintained for three years.
Rose denied betting on baseball for 15 years until he said in his book, ``My Prison Without Bars,'' that he confessed to Commissioner Bud Selig when he sought to have the ban lifted. He said he told the commissioner he bet on the Reds four or five times a week and only to win.Hmm, lets see…doing something wrong, then lying about it and only telling the truth in the hope of gaining something from it? Forget baseball Pete, politics is where you belong.
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I have often been told that somewhere in our family’s history, lost in the mists of time, there was an Irishman. So, as Saint Patrick’s day approaches, I thought I would pay tribute to this mysterious ancestor of mine with a post about the patron saint of Ireland.Since most people already know that he is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland, here is a list of lesser-known facts about Saint Patrick…He was in fact, the very first “Lord of the Dance”.He instituted a height limit for leprechauns. Originally, they came in all sizes, but Saint Patrick soon realized that the bigger ones were just creepy.He vanquished the last of the great pagan chieftains by beating him in a shamrock-eating contest.For a while, Saint Patrick had a religious rival…a fellow by the name of McDour, but the rivalry ended when McDour was caught committing an unnatural act with his shillelagh and was excommunicated.His valiant struggle to resist the charms of an extremely beautiful Druid priestess, was made much easier when he found out that her name when translated from ancient Gaelic meant “Scrotum Crusher”.The idea for a parade in honor of Saint Patrick actually came from the man himself. As he explained at the time “Eh, modesty has never been my strong point.”Now, if you’ll excuse me, in accordance with the customs set down by the Ancient Order of Semi- Hibernians, I must now go put on something green and listen to the music of Sinead O'Connor for an hour. It could be worse…it could be Enya.
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Yes, it’s time once again to take a look at some of the more interesting search engine queries that have brought a few unwary travelers to my humble abode here in the blogosphere, during the last couple of months…Bear Grylls nude: When I first wrote about this survival expert a while back, I wasn’t sure that many people would even know who he was. Apparently, there are many that do know and more than a few of them want to see him naked. I counted eleven separate searches, all involving some combination of the words, Bear Grylls, nude and photos.For one seeker however, this was not specific enough, because they typed in the words “Bear Grylls penis”. Perhaps they were hoping that this particular part Grylls anatomy has it’s own website. Well, there are stranger things in cyberspace.Lesbian nude meerschaum pipe: Remember, when the holiday season rolls around, it’s the perfect stocking stuffer for the horny, porn addicted pipe smoker on your Christmas list.Man who discovered friction: I’ve never really thought of friction as something that was “discovered” by one man, but if it was, I’m pretty sure I know what he was doing at the time…if you know what I mean.Hardy boys’ bondage: Sure, why not…as long as they solve the mystery, it’s all good.Ponderous penis: Note the alliteration, this is the kind of phrasing you get when a poet searchs for Internet porn.Drive by murder drawing: Driving, murdering and drawing? Man, I really envy people who can multi-task like that.Not surprisingly perhaps, none of these people stayed for more than two or three seconds. I can picture them cursing me as they angrily click out…maybe the new motto for this blog should be “disappointing people since 2006”.
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Charlie Chaplin was “The Little Tramp”, Buster Keaton was “The Great Stone Face” and “Fatty” Arbuckle was known as…well, “Fatty”. Yes, many of the legendary stars of silent era comedies had such nicknames, but there were others who are long since forgotten. So let us take a moment to remember such stars as…The Merry Bigot: Brought to the screen by former vaudevillian actor Harry Smithson in 1919, “The Merry Bigot” never met a race or nationality he didn’t want to oppress…but always with a smile! Twice a winner of the then prestigious “Ku Klux Klan Komedy” award, Smithson made more than a dozen “Merry Bigot” films in three years. His career came to a sudden end in 1922, when he “mysteriously” disappeared while taking a stroll through Harlem.Otto “Hiney” Hausen: Though actually born in Pennsylvania, Otto built up a substantial career by playing German soldiers, spies and even the Kaiser during the first world war. Since every film ended with Otto getting his behind soundly kicked, movie viewers started calling him “Hiney” and the name stuck.All good things must end however and when the war was finally over, so was Otto’s career. An early victim of type casting, he wound up working as a waiter a “Wolfgang’s House of Schnitzel”, where for an extra large tip patrons were allowed to kick him…for old time’s sake.The Bootleg Kids: A precursor to the “Little Rascals”, this group of lovable street urchins always managed to stay one step ahead of the law as they delivered bathtub gin to speakeasies in a very popular series of movies in the 1920’s.The most popular of the kids were “Knuckles”, the wiry but scrappy enforcer, “Swishy”, the slightly effeminate, but tough as nails leader and “Jail Bait”, the only girl in the gang, who as a pubescent temptress sent more cinema villains to prison than the keystone cops ever did.After the kids grew too old to play their roles they all went their separate ways. “Knuckles” went into professional boxing where he compiled an unfortunate record of 0 wins and 47 losses. He would eventually end up in a home for the terminally punch drunk.“Swishy” became a prison warden who was feared by all the inmates for his “rigid” discipline…if you catch my drift.Last but not least, “Jail Bait” opened a “sporting house” for gentlemen. After being in business a good number of years, her clients gave her a new nickname…"Madame Claptrap".As, the roaring twenties came to an end, so did the era of silent films. You know, at the time there were more than a few people who thought that sound was going to ruin motion pictures forever and now whenever I hear Sylvester Stallone mangle a line of dialogue…I’m not so sure they were wrong.
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You may already know about the controversial documentary by James Cameron ( the guy who directed Titanic) which claims that the tomb that once held the bones of Jesus and possibly his son, has been found.What you may not know is that there are more shocks to come. My friend the eminent scholar Monty Dingham Smythington, a man who keeps up with these things, sent me this list of other remarkable discoveries that were also made during this archeological expedition:Moses’s lunchbox, intact and containing a half-eaten, 4ooo year-old ham sandwich. According to the team’s forensic dentistry expert “Moses seems to have had one hell of an overbite. Who knew?”Job’s diary, in which he wrote “I’m a patient man, but all these trials are really starting to chap my ass!”The second (and final) tomb of Lazarus, the man Jesus raised from the dead, did of course die again... eventually. An inscription in the tomb says that the location was to be kept secret by order of the town elders because “ though we appreciate miracles as much as anyone, having dead people coming back to life really messes up the census.”The Captains Log from Noah's Ark, in which he wrote “ I know now that it was wrong to stage animal fights for our amusement, but come on, 40 days and 40 nights! The boredom was killing us and I swear, I really thought that the Unicorns could hold their own against the lions.”Exciting stuff indeed…I wonder if any of it will wind up on eBay?
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The woman in the photograph is publisher Judith Regan, who recently lost her job after agreeing to publish a controversial book by OJ Simpson and an extremely unflattering biography of baseball legend Mickey Mantle. Well, it turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg. Here are some other books she had planned to publish in the very near future…
By The Light of an Aryan Moon: a collection of little known love poems by Adolph Hitler, with a moving introduction by Mel Gibson.The Devil Wore A Cardigan: An unauthorized “warts and all” biography of beloved children’s television icon “Mr. Rogers”. Among other things, this book alleges that Rogers would sometimes come to work drunk, start groping the female cast members while yelling, “I guess I’m Mr. McFeely today!”Captain Eno and The New Junior Hardy Boys in: The Case of the Missing Pajamas, by Michael Jackson: This first attempt at a children’s book by the former “King of Pop” finds the grandsons of the original Hardy boys up to their prepubescent necks in trouble as they try to help the mysterious Captain Eno prove his innocence.Thin Like Me, by Nicole Ritchie: The former “Simple Life” co-star generously shares her weight loss secrets. When asked why she wrote it Nicole said, “ I hope that even plus-sized women like Paris Hilton will be able to benefit from this book.”Robert Blake’s Big Book of Alibis: Before finally settling on “It’ couldn’t have been me, I had gone back to the restaurant to get the gun I had left there” Blake had considered many other alibis when he was accused of shooting his wife, including:I’m afraid of loud noises
The sight of blood makes me woozy
I permanently crippled my trigger finger back when I played “Baretta”
Any bangin’ I do with a broad don’t involve a gun, and dat’s da name of dat tune.
Sadly none of these books will now see the light of day, but I’m sure Ms. Regan will land on her feet. After all it’s hard to keep a good muckraker down.Listed on humor-blogs.com
It has recently been revealed that back in 2002, the British Ministry of Defense conducted experiments to see if psychics could locate Osama Bin Laden. Of course I don’t have to tell you that they didn’t find him, but imagine my surprise to find out that one of the people involved was my friend and world renowned psychic Madame Putwonovaonya.So I made a phone call and Madame P. agreed to come in and tell us all a little about this rather unusual endeavor:
TDB: Welcome Madame Putwonovaonya, it’s wonderful to see you again.MP: I wish I could say the same.TDB: Ha ha, always with the kidding. So, just how do you and your psychic pals go about finding someone?MP: Well, the method is called “remote viewing” and…TDB: Is that anything like what dolphins do?MP: No, I think that’s echolocation.TDB: Can you explain the difference between the two? I mean, besides the fact that dolphins can actually find things.MP: I don’t think that’s quite fair…TDB: Well, did you find Osama?MP: No, but…TDB: Were you able to locate any of his henchmen? How about anyone with a beard? Anyone at all…Cat Stevens…Grizzly Adams…Santa Claus…MP: Look, we are talking about a very complex and mysterious phenomenon here. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, no matter how much you want it to.TDB: Maybe you have the psychic equivalent of erectile dysfunction.MP: What?! I most certainly do not…TDB: There’s no need to be embarrassed, I’m sure it happens to a lot of psychics once they reach a certain age. There’s no shame in needing a little help from a pill or a potion to “stiffen your psychic antenna” so to speak.MP: There is nothing wrong with my “psychic antenna”! And just how old do you think I am anyway?TDB: Oh, I don’t know…somewhere between Larry King and Methuselah?MP: I don’t know why I keep coming back here!TDB: Maybe it’s because of the photographs I have of you with the husband of one of your clients. You know…the ones where you’re giving him a “reading”…if you catch my drift.MP: Oh right, those…how did you get them anyway?TDB: It’s a secret, but you can always consult your crystal ball.MP: I hate you.TDB: Madame Putwonovaonya, as always it’s been a pleasure.
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Daniel Radcliffe the star of the Harry Potter movies is scheduled to appear in a revival of the play Equus and as the young people say, he will “let it all hang out, man”. Hold on a moment please…I’ve just been informed that young people do not say that anymore. Well then, to put it plainly, the guy will be naked on stage.It has been reported that not everyone connected to the Harry Potter franchise is happy about this, but I have it on good authority that J. K. Rowling, wearing a disguise and armed with binoculars, went to one of the rehearsals.It would seem that Rowling was very “inspired” by what she saw. So much so in fact, that instead of ending the popular series as she had announced she would, Rowling is already at work on a new book and has plans for many more, including these…Harry Potter and The Power of the Ivory WandHarry Potter and The Lair of the Enchanted MILFHarry Potter and The Chamber of Consensual BondageHarry Potter and The Magic BushHarry Potter and The Return of Queen Burningloins of ClitoniaHarry Potter and The Buttocks of AdonisHarry Potter and The Secret Shagging SocietySo there you have it, the inside scoop on the future of Harry Potter, but if J. K. Rowling should happen to ask…you didn’t hear it from me.
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Celebrities aren’t the only ones who go into rehab. Why, I myself once spent several weekends in the Minor Addiction Wing of the Betty Ford Center. The little monkey I had on my back was salt; I was using the salt shaker so much that I nearly developed a repetitive stress injury. Some of the other problems that people were getting help with included caffeine, video games and in one very sad case, Vicks VapoRub.We all knew that the other people there with “serious” drug and alcohol problems were always making fun of us…referring to us “amateurs” and “minor leaguers” but we ignored them and bravely fought our tiny demons.Although today I am salt free, it has not been easy. As recently as six months ago I nearly had a relapse. If not for dedicated people like my counselor (who I’ll just call “Rick”) I would surely have descended back into that white, crystalline hell. Here is a transcription of the late-night phone call that saved my life…A telephone rings Rick: (in a groggy voice) Hello?TDB: Hey Rick, it’s me.Rick: TDB? Do you know that’s it’s almost 3:00 am?TDB: Yeah, I know and I’m sorry, but I’ve hit a really rough patch. I can’t even sleep, the craving has gotten so bad it’s causing me to have these weird…almost erotic dreams.Rick: What are you talking about?TDB: Ok, take the last one for instance. I was walking away from the smoldering ruins of an ancient city when I run smack into Lot’s wife…Rick: Wait, you mean that woman from the bible who was turned into a pillar of salt?TDB: Yeah, that’s the one. Anyway, there she was, a beautiful, female shaped block of salt glittering in the sun…Rick: Well, that doesn’t really sound all that erotic…TDB: That’s because I haven’t told you about the licking yet…Rick: Ok, Ok! I get the picture!TDB: If you think that’s freaky you should have seen who was in my dream the night before. Do you that girl on the Morton Salt label?Rick: Uh…yes…TDB: Her mother.Rick: Well, that’s a relief.TDB: I’m an addict Rick…not a pervert.Rick: Yeah, ok. Look, have you got any Mrs. Dash in your apartment?TDB: I always do.Rick: Good, that should get you through the what’s left of the night. Come by my office around 7:00 and we’ll talk then. Alright?TDB: Thanks Rick, by the way, did you hear about Freddy?Rick: The guy with the NyQuil problem? Did he fall off the wagon again?TDB: Big time. After binging for three days he stopped by a pharmacy to buy more and he tried to pay for it with those “coins” you get at Chuck E. Cheese’s.Rick: Listen, just because Freddy had a relapse doesn’t mean you will. I’ll see you in the morning.TDB: Goodnight Rick.So I hung up the phone and somehow made it through the night. Thankfully, there haven’t been any close calls since then. I’m working on a screenplay based on my experiences. It will be called either “The Devil’s Condiment” or “Please Pass the Salt…to Someone Else!”…I might even make it a musical.Listed on
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And what a week it was. It seems as though not only nature, but the entire world is out to show me that reality is just weirder (not to mention funnier) than anything I can make up. Take for example the following genuine news items…RIVERSIDE, Calif. - An exotic animal with a long snout, bear-like claws and a tail like a raccoon scared the heck out of some narcotics investigators searching a home for drugs.It was eventually identified as a coatimundi, usually found in the forests of Central and South America.Possessing a coatimundi is illegal in California without a license. Fish and game official Kyle Chang said the animal's owner, 29-year-old Norman James Vollan, will have to give it up to a zoo or to someone with an exotic animal license. He "was pretty much crying in jail" when he learned he would lose his coatimundi, Chang said.Now, I’m no expert on these matters, but I really believe that having to explain to your fellow inmates that you’re crying because someone took your coatimundi…is not a good thing.WHITE PLAINS, NY - A man who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room during the workday is suing the company for $5 million, claiming he is an Internet addict who “deserves treatment and sympathy rather than dismissal.”Then with all the solemn dignity he could muster, he pulled his pants up from around his ankles and left the building.PETA red in face over TV lobster treatmentPeople for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is boiling mad over a recent episode of "Iron Chef" in which Graham Bowles ripped the tails off two lobsters.PETA members protested in front of the Food Network's Chelsea offices yesterday. One demonstrator dressed as a giant lobster held a sign reading: "Iron Chef Mean Cuisine."Where’s a giant pot of boiling water when you really need it?Pennsylvania chocolate maker Hershey is moving a bigger chunk of its production to Mexico, officials said yesterday. The company said it will cut 1,500 jobs and close some plants"Whenever they move something out the country, that's not good news," said Dennis Bomberger, of Chocolate Workers Local 464.As of yet there has been no comment from the Lollipop Guild.
Peanut butter & a jam in salmonella outbreakPeter Pan peanut butter got the hook from New York store shelves yesterday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention linked it to nearly 300 salmonella poisoning cases nationwide. Mmm…peanut butter and salmonella sandwiches. Just like momma used to make!Oh well, at least I’ll always have snide comments to fall back on.Listed on
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From time to time on this blog I’ve offered up a glimpse at some of the blossoms that can be found on my family tree.Today I take a fond look back at an uncle of mine who was a “beatnik poet” back in the 1950’s. His real name was Willard, but he always insisted on being called “Turk”. My siblings and I just referred to him as “Uncle Ashy”, because he was constantly chain smoking contraband Canadian cigarettes.Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg called him "Captain Oregano" because of the really crappy marijuana he was always trying to sell them. In an interview many years later, Ginsberg would say of my uncle: “Turk who?”To give you just an idea of my uncle's work here are just a few titles from his “oeuvre”…Atomic Bongos
Straight Out of Squaresville
You Couldn’t Dig Me with A Shovel, Daddy-O
Black Beret Blues
Love Poems, For Like…Real Gone Chicks
Thumb and Thumber: A Hipster’s Guide to Hitchhiking
The Smoldering GoateeUnfortunately, uncle Ashy never got around to actually writing those books…or any others for that matter. His entire literary output consists of this single poem...Coffeehouse LamentThe sax is blowin’ hotCups and saucers rattle aroundLike old arthritic bonesClickity Clack…Clickity Clack!Even “Mary Jane” is making the sceneWhen in busts the fuzz to douse her fiery kissLike an ice water enemaSplish, Splash…Splish, Splash!
Well, the fifties gave way to the sixties and my uncle tried to keep pace with the changing times. Sadly, before he cold find his place in this new counter culture, he was killed in a tie-dying accident in Jerry Garcia’s basement.Uncle Ashy was of course, cremated. It just seemed so fitting that his earthly remains should be transformed into the very substance we most associated him with…it’s like, almost poetic, daddy-o.
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The gentleman in the photograph goes by the name of Bello. He is appearing with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus in a show called “Bellobration”. Now, judging from his bizarre haircut and the fact that he is apparently some kind of clown/acrobat daredevil, I was wondering if this had anything to do with the popularity of the Cirque du Soleil.
