As far as this blog goes, I tend to avoid politics like the plague. However, occasionally a bit of political news filters through my defenses…I’m never happy about it, but it happens.Take for example the recent news item about President Bush and whether he would or wouldn’t pardon some dude named “Scooter” Libby (turns out he didn’t, but he did commute his prison sentence).
Now, I have no idea why the president has that power or what induced him to use it in this particular case…other than he figured that a grown man going through life with a name like “Scooter" had been punished enough.
Anyway, according to my good friend the eminent scholar Monty Dingham Smythington, it turns out that the constitution gives the president other, rarely heard of powers as well. Here are just a few…
He can compel all citizens to bathe once a year, whether they need it or not. (Hey, they had different ideas about hygiene back then)
In case of a nation wide famine the president reserves the right to resort to cannibalism, but the victims, thereafter to be known as “sacrificial patriots”, must be chosen from his own political party.
In the event of an invasion by a foreign power, the president can commandeer any and all horses, carriages and women’s clothing necessary to get him to safely to Canada. Unless of course that foreign power is Canada…stop laughing, it could happen.
The president can preside over any trial in which the defendant or plaintiff is a “saucy tavern wench”. (It’ seems that Ben Franklin insisted on that one)
He can force all members of congress to take part in a rousing game of “Simon says”, the loser of which has to mow the White House lawn.
And finally, the president is the one and only, “official bikini inspector” of these United States. (Most scholars think that this one wasn’t originally part of the constitution, but was written in by someone during the Kennedy administration)
You know, sometimes you just have to wonder if the “founding fathers” might have been wearing their wigs a little too tight.
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