Saturday, June 30, 2007

What's really going on here

As a doting uncle, I’ve probably been exposed to more children’s television than is healthy for a normal adult brain. Of course, in my case it is also probably true that I have less to lose in that regard than most people do.

Be that as it may, some of these TV shows, innocuous though they may seem, raise some perplexing and even disturbing questions…

SpongeBob SquarePants: Ok, I get it, he lives in a pineapple under the sea…but does he own or rent? Also, despite being surrounded by fish, the main characters on this show are a sponge, a starfish and a squid…so, is this program being used to push the invertebrate agenda? Just what do they have against backbones?

Dora the Explorer: Exactly who is funding all this “exploring” anyway? Is it the oil companies? Is she part of some kind of covert CIA operation? Or is this show some kind of allegory about the evils of colonialism and if so, what the hell does the blue monkey symbolize?

Teletubbies: The most obvious question here is…what the hell are these things? Are they mentally challenged aliens? Or are they someone’s idea of what human beings will be like after another million years or so of sitting on the couch watching television? In either case, why does the sun have a laughing baby’s head in the middle of it? And did anyone remember to put sunscreen on the baby?

I posed these questions to my youngest niece, a sharp-witted little lass of five, who I think knows more than she lets on. Her only response was to smile at me and turn back to her program. Oh, she’s crafty all right.

Listed on

Friday, June 22, 2007

Play that funky music...

The kind and charming HollyGL over at Remedial Rumination recently posted a meme about songs that have made an impact on her life. I don’t do the meme thing myself, but I was inspired enough by her post to take a look back at some of the songs that have made me (and I use the term loosely) the man I am today…

The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze” as performed by The International Silver String Submarine Band: Or as they were better known, the Little Rascals. Although I’m not sure when during that long malaise that was my childhood I first heard this song, I never forgot it.

This performance had it all: shabbily dressed urchins playing homemade instruments and singing off-key, a catchy tune and lyrics about some lecherous aerial acrobat who’s out to steal your girl. What more could a music loving kid ask for?

Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas: I think I was just starting junior high school when this song came out. Whenever it played on the radio my pals and I, suffering no doubt from some sort of hormonally induced brain damage, would start to flail spastically about, performing what we were convinced were genuine kung fu moves. What a time it was…the joy…the laughter…the broken bones.

"Muskrat Love" by Captain & Tennille: Unfortunately, not every song had a positive impact. After all, in life you have to take the bad with the good and for me this song was as bad as it gets. The cloying melody filled my ears as the saccharine lyrics burned an image of horny aquatic rodents into my brain that would take years of therapy to remove.

"Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Lōc: Probably the greatest song about a transsexual since the Kinks recorded “Lola” way back when…ok, it’s probably the only song about a transsexual since “Lola”. No wait…I forgot about Aerosmith’sDude Looks Like A Lady”, although to be honest, when I first heard that song I thought Steven Tyler was actually singing about himself.

Anyway, in "Funky Cold Medina" there’s a line that goes ‘I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener’ and why no rival hot dog company ever used that in a commercial is something I’ll never understand.

"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot: This could be the most personally meaningful song on the list for me. When I heard Sir Mix-a-Lot utter that immortal line ‘I like big butts and I can not lie’…it was like he was reading from my diary.

Whew! I think I need to go lie down… these trips down memory lane are exhausting.

Listed on

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Curious seekers...

It’s time once again to take a look at what people were searching for when they wound up here in the land of the drive-by blogger. To be honest, I think I get more enjoyment out of this than anyone else, but here goes…

Jack the necrophiliac: The part of the nursery rhyme you hadn’t heard. I guess climbing up a hill to fetch a pail of water wasn’t’ Jack’s only passion.

Olympic boinking icon: Who knew that this was an Olympic event, let alone what the icon for it is. Gold medal, bronze medal, who the hell cares…just tell me where the tryouts are being held.

Cyanide pie: I’d bet my last dollar that it was Martha Stewart who typed those words. The judge who sentenced her to prison might want to avoid baked goods for a while…I’m telling you this woman never forgets.

Average life span of sumo wrestler: Well, lets’ put it this way, I’m pretty sure that unlike baseball, there’s no “Old Timer’s Day” in sumo wrestling.

World record largest bowel movement: I don’t have any exact numbers on this, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it involved one of the aforementioned sumo wrestlers.

Alternate uses for a motorcycle helmet: Lets see…a hot tub for hamsters, an ashtray, a some what leaky Jell-O mold…oh, the possibilities are endless.

Naked druid priestess: Probably someone from the “Dungeons & Dragons” crowd surfing for porn.

Cat Stevens half eaten sandwich: I couldn't figure out if this was a search for a Cat Stevens song called “Half eaten sandwich” or if someone was looking to buy an actual sandwich that Cat Stevens didn’t get to finish. This may haunt me forever.

The howler monkey’s enemy: Anyone who has ever heard the song “Daydream Believer”, no wait…wrong group of monkey’s.

Strudel sayings: When you start to believe baked goods have the ability to speak, you’ve probably “over medicated” yourself.

By the way, a while back I wrote a post a TV show called ““Man Vs Wild” starring survivalist Bear Grylls and ever since there has been a barrage of people searching for nude photos of the man. So, if you’re reading this Mr. Grylls (hey, it could happen) I just wanted you to know that if the TV thing doesn’t work out, you’ve probably got a good future as a male stripper.

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Monday, June 11, 2007

In your dreams...

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I am a certified dream analyst and I used to write a column called “Ask the Dream Doctor” for the now defunct magazine “The House of Morpheus”.

I thought that today I would share just a few of the many letters I used to receive from troubled dreamers all over the country…

Dear Dream Doctor: In my dream I’m standing in the doorway of my bathroom when I notice an ant in the middle of the bathtub. Suddenly, I find myself shrinking and being pulled towards the tub. Finally, I’m face to face with the ant, the tub around us looking like a gleaming porcelain desert.

The ant begins to speak and says, “You know, that abrasive cleanser you use is scratching the hell out of this bathtub!” It’s at that point I wake up, feeling confused and slightly embarrassed. Can you shed some light on this?

Betty from Peoria

Dear Betty, if I were a person with a strong spiritual or mystical outlook, I might suggest that this was some kind of coded message from your ancestors…but since I’m not, I think it just means you shouldn’t fall asleep while watching infomercials!

Dear Dream Doctor: I keep having the same recurring dream. It starts off with me in a train that keeps going in and out of the same tunnel again and again. Then suddenly, I’m straddling a huge rocket or missile just as it starts to blast off. Finally, I’m on the beach, watching as wave after wave pounds the shore, then I wake up soaked in sweat. Anyway, I don’t have a clue what this dream is about…can you help?

Dave from Atlanta

Dear Dave, so…you have no idea what this dream is about? Really…none at all? Well…uh, lets see…the part about the train means you’d like to travel, the rocket part could be about your concerns for national security. And the pounding waves likely has to do with…uh, surfing.

Now, do me a favor and drop whatever you’re doing and go take a really cold shower. In fact take several…every day...probably for the rest of your life.

Dear Dream Doctor: Yeah, I got one for ya. I had this dream about this deadbeat who likes to bet on the horses. Problem is, he ain’t so good at payin’ what he owes. Anyway, the dream ends with this dirtbag disappearing inside a sausage factory in New Jersey… capice?

Vinny from Hoboken

Dear Vinny, Yes, I understand your “dream” perfectly. I just need a little more time to “interpret” it for you and I can promise you’ll never have that dream again…I swear.

Ironically enough, it was Vinny himself who wound up disappearing. The newspapers said no one knew what had happened to him…but I avoided sausages for a long time anyway.

Listed on

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Central Snark...

Hey, if you're looking for me I'm guest posting over at CENTRAL SNARK. A great blog run by some very nice people, so come on over and read about Mother Nature's kinky side.

Monday, June 04, 2007

It's good to be the king...

Not long ago I was reading about young Prince Harry and it started me thinking about the history of the British monarchy. I immediately took my medication, but to no avail…the thought was stuck in my head.

Anyway, long before they started using numbers, you know, Henry II or Henry VIII, it was common for kings to be known by a nickname. As you might have guessed, some of these nicknames were of the self-aggrandizing variety, like Alfred the Great, Richard the Lion Hearted and so on.

However, some kings didn’t do as well in the nickname department. Take for example, Ethelred the Unready, Sweyn Forkbeard or Harold Harefoot. Now, I thought those were pretty interesting, but I was certain there had to be more. So after a little digging, I compiled this list of not so illustriously nicknamed kings…

Ulrod the Incontinent

Caldor the Pigeon Toed

Harold the Queasy

Fredric the Emaciated

Edward the Squishy

Henry the Nutless (perhaps not surprisingly, he left no heirs to the throne)

Charles the Lice Ridden (was actually called that for only a short while before it was realized that everyone at that time was lice ridden)

Richard the Bootylicious

Ok, don’t quote me on that last one…I’m fairly certain it was at that point that the medication finally kicked in.