Saturday, March 31, 2007

Just a few words before they go...

The final words of most famous historical figures went unrecorded or if they have come down to us, always seem to express a noble or brave sentiment. Being a skeptical sort of person I’ve always had doubts about this and after a lot of extensive research I am pleased to present to you the actual last words of some history’s most notable people…

George Washington: “You know, it really is true that I cannot tell a lie…but I did ‘choke the chicken’ every chance I could.”

Napoleon Bonaparte: “ They have finally managed to stop me, but at least I die knowing that the world will forever live in fear of French military might!”

Galileo Galilei: “Of all the wondrous discoveries I have made with my telescope, the most amazing of all is just how many women in this city get dressed with their window curtains wide open.”

John Wilkes Booth: “Huh…Lincoln? You mean that wasn’t the critic from the Times who wrote that I have ‘the stage presence of a bowl of oatmeal’? Oh, crap…”

Babe Ruth: “So many hookers…so little time.”

Christopher Columbus: “ The NiƱa, Pinta and Santa Maria…I mean, could the names of those ships be any gayer?”

Sigmund Freud: “Psychiatry, bah…I should have been a foot doctor like my momma wanted me to.”

Davy Crockett: “Seriously…if you guys bury me in this stupid hat, I swear to God I will come back and haunt you.”

Julius Caesar: “"You too, Brutus? You punk ass bitch!”

Alexander the Great: “Of course I’m dying young, you try living with the stress of being called the ‘Great’…thanks a lot mom and dad!”

Joan of Arc: “Do you smell smoke?”

William Shakespeare: “ Alas, ‘tis the hour of my death and verily I say to thee
How I devoutly wish that it was thou instead of me!”

Good old Willie…a poet to the bitter end.

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Monkey business...

A group of chimpanzees was recently discovered in Senegal, making and using sharpened sticks to hunt small mammals with.

So far, no one seems alarmed by this…except perhaps our ever-vigilant Department of Homeland Security. There’s a rumor going around (or at least there will be if I have anything to say about it) that the DHS is looking into the possibility that terrorists are actually training these chimps to fight on their side against the West.

Let’s face it, when you’re main strategy involves suicide bombers, you’re going to start running low on people sooner or later. But it’s not just chimps, the DHS thinks that other primates may be used as well. Here’s a list of what the DHS believes we may be facing:

The Marmoset Slingshot Battalion

The Lemur Brass knuckle Division

The Capuchin monkey Blowgun Corps

The Orangutan Machete Strike Force

The Howler monkey Switchblade Regiment

The Baboon Baseball bat Squadron

Of course, the DHS doesn’t know for sure when attacks by these furry terrorists might begin, so when ever you find yourself at a circus, zoo or a pet store that sells “exotic” animals…stay alert!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Big money...

While reading about a recent lottery that was worth about 370 million dollars, I began thinking of previous big money lotteries and how often it seems that the people who win them have no idea how to spend the money.

That would not be a problem for yours truly, so read on if you want to find out how to spend a fortune Drive-by Blogger style

Despite the facts that I don’t fish and I’ve been known to get seasick just from standing in a puddle, I would still buy the obligatory yacht. I’d just plant it on my enormous front lawn and use it as the world’s most luxurious mailbox.

The grounds around my fabulous estate will be guarded by rarely fed Komodo dragons and a gigantic TV monitor will continuously show videos of previous trespassers being eaten.

My mansion would actually be a group of connected buildings that spell out “poverty sucks” when seen from high above…say from the top of my radio tower for example. From which will emanate the sounds of my own radio station WTDB, where we play “whatever the hell I feel like…all the time!”

Using the power of my new found wealth I will drive Joan Rivers into bankruptcy and then hire her as part of my domestic staff, just so I can force her to dress in a burlap sack and then ask her several times a day “who are you wearing?”

I would gather together all of the leading Bigfoot “experts” and fund an expedition into the most remote wilderness in North America, with orders not to return until they’ve caught him. Not because I believe that Bigfoot exists…it will just be nice not to ever hear from any of those idiots again.

To everyone who lives in a five-mile radius of my mansion I would offer to pay for any and all plastic surgery. Should too many of my homely neighbors fail to accept my generous offer, I would then buy up all their houses and give them as gifts to young, aspiring actresses and fashion models…just doing my part to keep America beautiful.

Of course, before long I would probably be as broke as MC Hammer, but easy come, easy go…that’s just how I roll.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Celebrity spotlight...

Taking into account the profound historical substance of my Saint Patrick’s day post, I decided to keep things light and superficial today and there’s no better way to do that then checking out a little celebrity news…

The head of the Anglican Church in Trinidad and Tobago called Elton John the “Pied Piper” of homosexuality and wants to keep him off the West Indian Island nation.
"His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle," the archdeacon said.

Yes, because as everyone knows there’s nothing like an overweight, 59 year-old man with a bad toupee to illustrate the glamour of the gay lifestyle.

Comic book fans are mourning the death Captain America, who was gunned down by an assassin in "Captain America Vol. 5, No. 25. (ok, so he’s a fictional character, but he was still a celebrity…sort of)

Personally, I wouldn’t have picked that end for Captain America. I probably would have had him humped to death by the She-Hulk…but then I’ve always been a hopeless romantic.

Actor-comedian Sinbad had the last laugh after his Wikipedia entry announced he was dead, the performer said Thursday. When asked if he was upset about the mix-up, Sinbad, whose real name is David Adkins, just laughed. He has appeared in the films, "Houseguest”, "Jingle All the Way”, “First Kid” and “Good Burger”.

Oh, I see where the confusion is…with a resume like that it’s his career that died

Pete Rose said he bet on the Cincinnati Reds ``every night'' when he was the team's manager, rather than four times a week as Major League Baseball's all- time hit leader maintained for three years.

Rose denied betting on baseball for 15 years until he said in his book, ``My Prison Without Bars,'' that he confessed to Commissioner Bud Selig when he sought to have the ban lifted. He said he told the commissioner he bet on the Reds four or five times a week and only to win.

Hmm, lets see…doing something wrong, then lying about it and only telling the truth in the hope of gaining something from it? Forget baseball Pete, politics is where you belong.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

The Emerald Isle...

I have often been told that somewhere in our family’s history, lost in the mists of time, there was an Irishman. So, as Saint Patrick’s day approaches, I thought I would pay tribute to this mysterious ancestor of mine with a post about the patron saint of Ireland.

Since most people already know that he is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland, here is a list of lesser-known facts about Saint Patrick…

He was in fact, the very first “Lord of the Dance”.

He instituted a height limit for leprechauns. Originally, they came in all sizes, but Saint Patrick soon realized that the bigger ones were just creepy.

He vanquished the last of the great pagan chieftains by beating him in a shamrock-eating contest.

For a while, Saint Patrick had a religious rival…a fellow by the name of McDour, but the rivalry ended when McDour was caught committing an unnatural act with his shillelagh and was excommunicated.

His valiant struggle to resist the charms of an extremely beautiful Druid priestess, was made much easier when he found out that her name when translated from ancient Gaelic meant “Scrotum Crusher”.

The idea for a parade in honor of Saint Patrick actually came from the man himself. As he explained at the time “Eh, modesty has never been my strong point.”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, in accordance with the customs set down by the Ancient Order of Semi- Hibernians, I must now go put on something green and listen to the music of Sinead O'Connor for an hour. It could be worse…it could be Enya.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Searching high and low...but mostly low

Yes, it’s time once again to take a look at some of the more interesting search engine queries that have brought a few unwary travelers to my humble abode here in the blogosphere, during the last couple of months…

Bear Grylls nude: When I first wrote about this survival expert a while back, I wasn’t sure that many people would even know who he was. Apparently, there are many that do know and more than a few of them want to see him naked. I counted eleven separate searches, all involving some combination of the words, Bear Grylls, nude and photos.

For one seeker however, this was not specific enough, because they typed in the words “Bear Grylls penis”. Perhaps they were hoping that this particular part Grylls anatomy has it’s own website. Well, there are stranger things in cyberspace.

Lesbian nude meerschaum pipe: Remember, when the holiday season rolls around, it’s the perfect stocking stuffer for the horny, porn addicted pipe smoker on your Christmas list.

Man who discovered friction: I’ve never really thought of friction as something that was “discovered” by one man, but if it was, I’m pretty sure I know what he was doing at the time…if you know what I mean.

Hardy boys’ bondage: Sure, why not…as long as they solve the mystery, it’s all good.

Ponderous penis: Note the alliteration, this is the kind of phrasing you get when a poet searchs for Internet porn.

Drive by murder drawing: Driving, murdering and drawing? Man, I really envy people who can multi-task like that.

Not surprisingly perhaps, none of these people stayed for more than two or three seconds. I can picture them cursing me as they angrily click out…maybe the new motto for this blog should be “disappointing people since 2006”.

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Silence is golden...

Charlie Chaplin was “The Little Tramp”, Buster Keaton was “The Great Stone Face” and “Fatty” Arbuckle was known as…well, “Fatty”. Yes, many of the legendary stars of silent era comedies had such nicknames, but there were others who are long since forgotten. So let us take a moment to remember such stars as…

The Merry Bigot: Brought to the screen by former vaudevillian actor Harry Smithson in 1919, “The Merry Bigot” never met a race or nationality he didn’t want to oppress…but always with a smile! Twice a winner of the then prestigious “Ku Klux Klan Komedy” award, Smithson made more than a dozen “Merry Bigot” films in three years. His career came to a sudden end in 1922, when he “mysteriously” disappeared while taking a stroll through Harlem.

Otto “Hiney” Hausen: Though actually born in Pennsylvania, Otto built up a substantial career by playing German soldiers, spies and even the Kaiser during the first world war. Since every film ended with Otto getting his behind soundly kicked, movie viewers started calling him “Hiney” and the name stuck.

All good things must end however and when the war was finally over, so was Otto’s career. An early victim of type casting, he wound up working as a waiter a “Wolfgang’s House of Schnitzel”, where for an extra large tip patrons were allowed to kick him…for old time’s sake.

The Bootleg Kids: A precursor to the “Little Rascals”, this group of lovable street urchins always managed to stay one step ahead of the law as they delivered bathtub gin to speakeasies in a very popular series of movies in the 1920’s.

The most popular of the kids were “Knuckles”, the wiry but scrappy enforcer, “Swishy”, the slightly effeminate, but tough as nails leader and “Jail Bait”, the only girl in the gang, who as a pubescent temptress sent more cinema villains to prison than the keystone cops ever did.

After the kids grew too old to play their roles they all went their separate ways. “Knuckles” went into professional boxing where he compiled an unfortunate record of 0 wins and 47 losses. He would eventually end up in a home for the terminally punch drunk.

“Swishy” became a prison warden who was feared by all the inmates for his “rigid” discipline…if you catch my drift.

Last but not least, “Jail Bait” opened a “sporting house” for gentlemen. After being in business a good number of years, her clients gave her a new nickname…"Madame Claptrap".

As, the roaring twenties came to an end, so did the era of silent films. You know, at the time there were more than a few people who thought that sound was going to ruin motion pictures forever and now whenever I hear Sylvester Stallone mangle a line of dialogue…I’m not so sure they were wrong.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Extreme archeology...

You may already know about the controversial documentary by James Cameron ( the guy who directed Titanic) which claims that the tomb that once held the bones of Jesus and possibly his son, has been found.

What you may not know is that there are more shocks to come. My friend the eminent scholar Monty Dingham Smythington, a man who keeps up with these things, sent me this list of other remarkable discoveries that were also made during this archeological expedition:

Moses’s lunchbox, intact and containing a half-eaten, 4ooo year-old ham sandwich. According to the team’s forensic dentistry expert “Moses seems to have had one hell of an overbite. Who knew?

Job’s diary, in which he wrote “I’m a patient man, but all these trials are really starting to chap my ass!

The second (and final) tomb of Lazarus, the man Jesus raised from the dead, did of course die again... eventually. An inscription in the tomb says that the location was to be kept secret by order of the town elders because “ though we appreciate miracles as much as anyone, having dead people coming back to life really messes up the census.

The Captains Log from Noah's Ark, in which he wrote “ I know now that it was wrong to stage animal fights for our amusement, but come on, 40 days and 40 nights! The boredom was killing us and I swear, I really thought that the Unicorns could hold their own against the lions.

Exciting stuff indeed…I wonder if any of it will wind up on eBay?

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Read any good books lately...

The woman in the photograph is publisher Judith Regan, who recently lost her job after agreeing to publish a controversial book by OJ Simpson and an extremely unflattering biography of baseball legend Mickey Mantle.

Well, it turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg. Here are some other books she had planned to publish in the very near future…

By The Light of an Aryan Moon
: a collection of little known love poems by Adolph Hitler, with a moving introduction by Mel Gibson.

The Devil Wore A Cardigan: An unauthorized “warts and all” biography of beloved children’s television icon “Mr. Rogers”. Among other things, this book alleges that Rogers would sometimes come to work drunk, start groping the female cast members while yelling, “I guess I’m Mr. McFeely today!”

Captain Eno and The New Junior Hardy Boys in: The Case of the Missing Pajamas, by Michael Jackson: This first attempt at a children’s book by the former “King of Pop” finds the grandsons of the original Hardy boys up to their prepubescent necks in trouble as they try to help the mysterious Captain Eno prove his innocence.

Thin Like Me, by Nicole Ritchie: The former “Simple Life” co-star generously shares her weight loss secrets. When asked why she wrote it Nicole said, “ I hope that even plus-sized women like Paris Hilton will be able to benefit from this book.

Robert Blake’s Big Book of Alibis: Before finally settling on “It’ couldn’t have been me, I had gone back to the restaurant to get the gun I had left there” Blake had considered many other alibis when he was accused of shooting his wife, including:

I’m afraid of loud noises

The sight of blood makes me woozy

I permanently crippled my trigger finger back when I played “Baretta”

Any bangin’ I do with a broad don’t involve a gun, and dat’s da name of dat tune.

Sadly none of these books will now see the light of day, but I’m sure Ms. Regan will land on her feet. After all it’s hard to keep a good muckraker down.

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Let's get mystical...

It has recently been revealed that back in 2002, the British Ministry of Defense conducted experiments to see if psychics could locate Osama Bin Laden. Of course I don’t have to tell you that they didn’t find him, but imagine my surprise to find out that one of the people involved was my friend and world renowned psychic Madame Putwonovaonya.

So I made a phone call and Madame P. agreed to come in and tell us all a little about this rather unusual endeavor:

TDB: Welcome Madame Putwonovaonya, it’s wonderful to see you again.

MP: I wish I could say the same.

TDB: Ha ha, always with the kidding. So, just how do you and your psychic pals go about finding someone?

MP: Well, the method is called “remote viewing” and…

TDB: Is that anything like what dolphins do?

MP: No, I think that’s echolocation.

TDB: Can you explain the difference between the two? I mean, besides the fact that dolphins can actually find things.

MP: I don’t think that’s quite fair…

TDB: Well, did you find Osama?

MP: No, but…

TDB: Were you able to locate any of his henchmen? How about anyone with a beard? Anyone at all…Cat Stevens…Grizzly Adams…Santa Claus…

MP: Look, we are talking about a very complex and mysterious phenomenon here. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, no matter how much you want it to.

TDB: Maybe you have the psychic equivalent of erectile dysfunction.

MP: What?! I most certainly do not…

TDB: There’s no need to be embarrassed, I’m sure it happens to a lot of psychics once they reach a certain age. There’s no shame in needing a little help from a pill or a potion to “stiffen your psychic antenna” so to speak.

MP: There is nothing wrong with my “psychic antenna”! And just how old do you think I am anyway?

TDB: Oh, I don’t know…somewhere between Larry King and Methuselah?

MP: I don’t know why I keep coming back here!

TDB: Maybe it’s because of the photographs I have of you with the husband of one of your clients. You know…the ones where you’re giving him a “reading”…if you catch my drift.

MP: Oh right, those…how did you get them anyway?

TDB: It’s a secret, but you can always consult your crystal ball.

MP: I hate you.

TDB: Madame Putwonovaonya, as always it’s been a pleasure.

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